CD40, high anxiety

Today is CD 40 for me. Since beginning TTC the average of all of my cycles is 30 days. This cycle we decided to “relax” a bit more, so I didn’t temp/chart/take OPK’s, so I really don’t know exactly when I ovulated, but based on my average cycles I’m calculating that today AF is 10 days late. The most recent HPT I took was last night (I know I should have waited to use FMU), and it was a BFN…..so the odds are that I’m not pregnant. Unless I’m in that TINY percentage of women that don’t get positive HPT’s, but I’m really trying not to get my hopes up. My anxiety has been killing me this past week, which could also be a cause of no AF yet! I just keep thinking, what if I am. After talking with R last night we agreed that if I still hadn’t started AF tomorrow I will take another HPT with FMU, and make an appointment to go in for a blood test. Also, assuming we’re not pregnant this cycle, we’ve decided to move up our treatments….beginning with our first IUI next cycle. I’m just so sick of waiting, and I’m ready to get this show on the road.

Also, pretty sure that finding out earlier this week that my younger sister was pregnant with her third child hasn’t helped me. I thought I was okay with it, but I’m sure that has also been a source of anxiety for me. I know there aren’t an infinite number of babies out there, and that her having one doesn’t mean I won’t….so I wish I was more okay with it, but it’s just upsetting. I want to be happier for her, but can’t help just feeling jealous.

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