Always the Aunt

IUI #2 didn’t work. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up this cycle, but that didn’t work out too well. I had my crying breakdown this morning after another BFN at 13dpiui. We’re visiting my sister and her family this weekend and was really hoping to be able to share some good news with them. I slept with my four year old nephew Colin last night. He’s such a snuggler, I love it! After my BFN I got back in bed, and holding his little hand I had the awful thought, “what if this is all I get, what if I only get to be an aunt”, and that really broke me down. I know I can’t think like that, I know I can’t give up. But the honest truth is that not everyone gets their “happy ending”, and what if I’m one of those? I have a doctors appointment Tuesday, it was supposed to be a beta test, but since I didn’t get a positive HPT I’m sure my RE will just do an ultrasound like last time to see if the Clomid caused any cysts. If there are cysts it means we’ll be forced to take a month off.

I’m not sure what our next step will be. In so many ways I just need a break from it all, but then my mind roams and I think, “what if next cycle we get pregnant?” which makes me not want to take a break, so I don’t know.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers, I’m not in a very good place right now. XOXO

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58 thoughts on “Always the Aunt

  1. I’m so sorry, this is so hard. I completely get where you’re coming from when you say that not everyone gets their happy ending but please try to remember the saying “Every story has a happy ending, if you’re not happy, it’s not the end”. I don’t know what your happy ending is going to look like but I’m confident that for all of us the sad times will end and there will be happiness again in some form. Sending you a huge hug at the difficult time.

  2. Im so sorry to hear it didn’t work 😦 keep your head up.. Take a break if you feel you need to. Breaks should be mandatory thru IF treatments. It’s funny you said that thought about only being an aunt. I babysat my 10 month nephew yesterday and I had the same thoughts as well as he was snuggling up on me. Sigh

    • I have a feeling I’ll HAVE to take a break. Last time I took Clomid it gave me a cyst, I think once you get one you’re prone to get more. I think we may break this month anyway. I don’t know I go back and forth. I’ve waited so long already, I hate to wait longer to try some more. It’s such a catch 22. Thanks for being there! I guess on the positive side we are lucky to have nieces/nephews, I love snuggling with those kids. They’re so sweet. I just can’t wait to have cousins for them to play with!

  3. I’m sorry. It’s so hard to face disappointment. Find a good distraction and let yourself escape for a little. A mini vacation? Try out some new recipes? Every time I started to struggle I tried to find something else to focus on…the pup was probably the best one! Chin up and look forward not back. Hugs.

    • Thanks! Yea you’re right! We’re still at my sisters house now, won’t head back until Tuesday. We already have 2 cats and 2 dogs, lol. I did recently take up crochet though, it’s a good time consuming hobby! Oh and I’m also in grad school, lol. Plenty busy! Thanks again for your support!

  4. awwe girl I am so sorry! Don’t give up and keep trying! Matthew 19:26 says, “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

    You will be a mom. God is faithful to His promises and when we delight in Him, He gives us the desires of our hearts. He created you to be fruitful and to multiply and He doesn’t change His mind girlie. (Numbers 23:19). Sometimes it’s us that changes our minds and throws up the white flag. You are too strong and too determined to throw in that white flag. I know today is hard but go into this next cycle with just as much hope that God will do the impossible. Keep pressing on. xoxoxox

  5. Jen, I’m so so sorry it didn’t work this month. I can understand needing a mental/emotional break and if you are feeling that way, I think you should listen to your body. Sending hugs and prayers your way sweetie.

    • It’s just not fair!! I’m sorry you’re having the same trouble, are you 10 dpiui today? You still have a few more days until you’re out. Still praying and rooting for you!!

      • Yea at this point you’re right. I’m so sorry this didn’t work! You were only planning to do 2 right? So you’re on your way toward IVF now?

      • We had planned to do 3. Due to my husband’s surgery, we have to take at least one month off. I’m not sure I want to do a 3rd IUI after that. We aren’t on any IVF lists yet as I was considering looking at different clinics. Guess I have some time to do that now.

      • So crazy how differently doctors offices operate. If we wanted to do IVF we could prob do it next cycle (assuming I didn’t have a cyst & we had the money). I know. Our original plan was to do 6 IUI’s (I know that’s a lot) before moving on, but now idk. Maybe we should take a break until this fall when we’ll have the money for IVF. I just hate to spend all that money and have it fail, what then?!? That would seriously be devastating. I know you can’t think like that, but I’m a realist.

      • Idk about your doctors office, but IVF (including meds) is around 10k here, but if we had any “extra” embryos we could freeze them for another 700 ish then do a FET for around 2k. So our biggest expense would be the upfront IVF cost

      • You’re welcome! I also know some places offer a discount if it doesn’t work…..or package type deals! Definitely worth checking into. I’m just assuming here, but I’m thinking since I can”grow” 3 follicles on clomid only that I’ll have tons of follicles with IVF meds. Who knows though.

  6. I’ve had those thoughts too “What if I’m not one of those people who gets their happy ending?” But I love what GK said “If you’re not happy, then it’s not the end”. I also agree with Forever Hopeful–breaks should be mandatory through treatments. After my 3rd IUI, I’ve had to self-impose a break and that is HARD cuz like a gambler on a losing streak, I keep thinking “This next round has GOT to be my lucky charm”! Hope you feel better soon, whether you take a break or do IUI #3. XO

  7. For a little while, I started to look forward to the breaks because this crap is so exhausting, but then I felt like every cycle counts – it is so stressful – but with the breaks I felt like I could take a deep breath for a second. I am sorry about your temporary negative news – but hoping that this is indeed temporary and that you have your BFP soon… *Hugs*

  8. I’m sorry, that is really sucky. I agree with everyone else about breaks. I was terrified to take one, like I’d be missing a chance, but it was so good for me. I also have to remind myself that I WILL be a mom someday, I just don’t know when or how. If you’re open to the many different means of creating a family, it will happen for you eventually. Of course the waiting is the worst!

  9. I’m do sorry love. It’s so hard to try so hard to be strong when your feeling so weak. Your right, not everyone gets their happy ending, but your not there yet. You have more strength left to give and more fight left in you before you know what your happy ending will look like. Xo

  10. I’m so sorry. I had my very first BFN after my last cycle. It was the first time we actually got to try in almost three years of fertility treatment. I couldn’t even handle having more than that. Maybe I’m just not strong enough. As you know, we decided on IVF and we thought we could try other means after that if it doesn’t work. Have you looked into going overseas for IVF? Some people have recommended it to me, we aren’t going to do it now but maybe if our IVF cycle fails and any other times intercourse cycles or IUIs don’t work. It’s so much cheaper overseas and you get a nice vacation for waaaay less than you could do it here. Do you know what the chances are of doing IUIs?

    • I think the chances for IUI for our situation are around a 10% chance each time. No, never given any thought to IVF overseas, hubby would never go for that. Not even sure hubby likes the idea of IVF at all! Which is also frustrating.

      • I’m sorry 😦 my husband didn’t like the idea either. I’ve had some people tell me who did it. But I’d like to hear of some more stories from people who did it.

    • You’re so sweet, thank you! I’m happy to hear you started your own, I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. The infertility community has been incredible to me. Thank you, I really appreciate it!

  11. I’m so sorry sweetie, that really sucks 😦 😦 And I totally understand – as I’m sure every IFer does – how being an aunt, however rewarding in the best cases, is absolutely no substitute for having our own children. Hopefully there’s brighter days ahead of you! hugs!!

  12. I almost didn’t leave a comment after reading it, because I know there’s nothing any of us could say to make things any better. Just want to let you know that I’m praying for strength for you right now!

  13. I’m so sorry. I understand how you are feeling right now, and I completely understand what you mean when you say you aren’t in a very good place right now. I’ve been there. It is so hard, and you feel so along and isolated. I have had the exact same thoughts about never being more than an aunt, and my husband more than an uncle, and it breaks my heart. Hoping and praying we both have success very soon!! I’ll keep you in my thoughts & prayers!

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