When to tell people about your pregnancy

So today I’m 2 DPIUI….and about this stage in my cycle every time R & I have a debate/argument/fight/discussion about when we’ll tell people about our pregnancy, should this IUI work. His immediate response is always, “we shouldn’t tell ANYONE until we’re past the 12 week point”….then I’ll say that I want to tell a small group of people right away and everyone else at 12 weeks, then he always follows it up with, “well just do whatever you want, I know you’re going to anyway”….which just infuriates me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean when we find out we’re pregnant I plan to announce on Facebook or tell EVERYONE right away….I just have a small group of friends and my sister & SIL that I want to tell….and obviously my blog friends too! I think the bottom line is that men & women go about things very differently, in lots of different situations. Throughout our infertility journey I’ve had a small group of friends that I’ve confided in about EVERYTHING. And I’m so glad I have, their support and prayers have meant to much to me. I think had I been fighting this infertility journey “in the closet” it would have made it 10x harder. I process things by talking, and R processes things by  NOT TALKING. I’m fairly certain he’s told NO ONE about our infertility journey. NO ONE. And I just don’t think it’s very healthy, but I’m not going to change him….he is who he is.

I’m just fairly certain that I CAN’T keep our pregnancy (when it happens) a secret from EVERYONE for the first 12 weeks. I have several friends, my sister, and SIL that know what we’ve been going through and will all be anxious to find out the result of this IUI like I am. I can’t leave them in the dark, and I don’t want to. I need their support. And should anything go wrong with our pregnancy I’d need their support on that end too. I couldn’t go through a miscarriage without my friends and family…..I just couldn’t.

We don’t plan on telling our parents until the 12 week mark though, and we’re both in agreement about that. I’d love to be able to call my dad the second we find out and let him know, because he knows we’ve been struggling…..but R has a VERY different relationship with his parents then I do and we want to tell both sets of parents at the same time. His mother is very gossipy, and I know that she would tell her parents, neighbors, friends, etc…even if we asked that she keep it private until we were ready, so we both agree that we won’t tell them right away, and it wouldn’t be fair to tell my parents either. R is of the idea (and I tend to agree) that somewhere down the road telling my parents before his would come back to bite us in the ass. SOMEHOW I guarantee at some holiday, birthday party, whatever my MIL would be talking to my Step-mom and it would come up as simply as, “oh we were just overjoyed when we found out on Mother’s day that they were expecting”…..and then R’s parents would think…..well we didn’t find out until July….and there would be some problems.

Have any of you faced problems like this with your husbands? How have you handled these types of situations. I think I may draft an email to him….I think when we talk in person I tend to forget my points, get too emotional, and don’t get my point across.


60 thoughts on “When to tell people about your pregnancy

  1. Ugh! My husband and I are the complete opposite.

    First, we’re “in the closet” when it comes to most people. We’ve also had two miscarriages. So when we get pregnant again, I *don’t* want to tell people very soon. I joke that I want to wait until I’m 6mos, but I may not be joking. I’m so paranoid. We will probably wait until 16 weeks just to be on the safe side. My OB said 13 weeks is the norm (it’s actually a misconception that 12 weeks is the cutoff point!…you don’t actually finish the 1st trimester until the end of that week…oi). But I think we’ll wait longer.

    But anyway…my husband wants to tell people, the sooner the better! And he’s actually blabbed about our RPL/IF to some people that I didn’t want him to, so that is a whole other issue,,,

    The way I see it, there is a handful of people who’ve known about everything from the beginning. Our first mc. My parents, my cousin, and my two best friends. They will know right away. Along with my anonymous blog and Twitter friends. His two sisters know about both of our losses but we haven’t been telling them about the fertility testing/treatment. So I think we would tell them sooner than everyone else. His parents, eventually (his family is big on gossip too…what is up with our in-laws not being able to keep their mouths shut?!).

    I worry too that John’s parents will find out that my parents knew everything earlier, but the way I see it, especially since physically I have had to deal with all of this, I’m hoping I can say that ti only made sense for me to tell MY parents before his. The same way, if I can only have a certain amount of people in the delivery room, my mom will be there over his mom. You know? I know it was both of our babies but…yeah I don’t know where I’m going with this.

    Honestly I can’t even begin to think about that because I don’t care. Haha. It’s our life, we are dealing with it the way we want to. You should too. 🙂 ❤

    • I totally get where you’re coming from. I think I would be scared too, given that you’ve already had 2 miscarriages….I could definitely see that changing my opinion on this! LOL about you telling your parents sooner then his….I TOTALLY get where you’re going with all of that…and to be honest I definitely think we can trust my dad not to blab about it until we’re ready. I just need to get on the same page as my husband, b/c I don’t want to tell people without his “permission” (if that makes sense) b/c it’s his “secret” too…..but I just don’t see how I can keep it a secret for 12 weeks (yea….I know what you’re saying about the 13 weeks thing….it’s actually 12 FULL weeks, meaning 13).

      • Haha yeah I wish my husband was just as courteous as you are. I totally get the “permission” thing. I used that very word when he told his younger sister!!! I was like “You didn’t get my PERMISSION to tell her.” GRRRRRRR. It’s so hard though because they were his losses too, you know? And even though his WHOLE family blabs about friggin’ EVERYTHING, I have to at some point be lenient and allow him to tell some of his family. It’s only fair. Especially when we’ve kept it from all four (his parents remarried) of his parents. Blah. 😦

        It just makes me angry sometimes thinking about it. Those of us who deal with RPL and/or IF have to deal with so much already without us having to play the “who do we tell” game. It’s not a race! Pregnancy is hardly about anyone else but the two people involved who made that baby, so get off your high horses, family and friends! Can’t you just be happy?! I mean…SHEESH! 😛

        Okay I’m going to stop ranting now. On another note, I hope your IUI is successful and you get a sticky, sticky baby in there. 🙂 🙂 ❤

      • LOL….well we’ll see how courteous I end up being if we don’t get on the same page (which I’m pretty sure is where the “do whatever you want, you will anyway” comment comes from….oops). The blabbing is just too much, I def wouldn’t tell them early if that’s the case. That would just piss me off.

        Like you said, you’ve been through A LOT already…..can’t you just announce your pregnancy when you feel ready?!?

        Thank you!! I really appreciate it, and hope you’re right!

  2. I hate that “do whatever you want” line SO MUCH. Why do they always say that? Argh.

    I totally get where you are coming from. When you have a group of close people who have been there with you on each step of your IF journey, it’s going to be nearly impossible to not tell them pretty early. Time and patience works wonders, tho, so maybe he’ll come around.

    • For sure! I guess I don’t give him enough credit sometimes….he’s already come around to so much more than I ever thought he would have (regarding our infertility treatments and future plans)…..so maybe he just needs more time. Idk. Thanks!!!

  3. Oh yes, we have discussed this and we are in the same boat. I want to tell my best friend but he wants to keep it a secret till 12 weeks. I figure I’ll address it again when I get there.

    • Yea, you’re probably right….there’s no sense in worrying over it now. I’m just so type A….I would like to have a plan for when it does happen.

      • I totally understand that. I am type A too.If everything could go as planned I would be one happy mommy by now. If I have learned anything from my journey its that there is no plan for making a baby. All of my plans have been thrown out the window at this point. Its very frustrating. But maybe it is something I have to learn before I can become a mother. I’m pretty sure there is very little planning when it comes to being a mommy too.

      • So true! I’ve really struggled with not being able to plan much in regards to us getting pregnant…..it’s a daily struggle really. You’re so right…I need to learn (I’ve been working on it) to let go of things and just let them happen sometimes!

      • I’ve been working on it too. It isn’t easy letting things go. I sure wish it was. Good luck on this IUI! I sure hope this is your month. Sending you tons of baby dust and positive thoughts.

  4. i am in a similar situation personality wise, i’m like you, hubby is like yours. it’s hard because we’ve “told” three times now and it hasn’t worked out. the first time we shared and had to then share bad the news. last time we had to call to announce a miscarriage because we were waiting to share news. it’s hard. this time around i haven’t thought of anything of that. i think we’re going to just wait and share it with whoever it is as opportunity arises and feels right. i am sure this is not helpful at all hahaha. but we’ve been in the same situation as you guys are in before. just go with your gut and if you know that some people are “chatty cathy’s” then for don’t share with them until you’re certain you want to share with the world.

    • Gosh I’m sure that was hard……under both situations. Yea, I hope we’re able to reach an agreement….and my theory is to reach one now before we even have anything to announce.

  5. People get very territorial over their baby news. I agree telling the parents at the same time is appropriate. We did the same thing. Well a day or two apart as they live in different countries and we wanted to do it In Person.

    We waited until 13 weeks to announce it but did tell a few friends before. Mainly the ones who stopped by with wine and were wondering why I wasn’t drinking up. The friends I told I trusted but I did also feel some anxiety of the possibility of having to go back and unwell people.

    I get both sides! I would try to come to a consensus with him before you tell people. Also, you could do password protected posts?

  6. I feel a lot in the same boat. I actually don’t know that I would want to tell many people until 12 ish weeks, but how would you not tell a close friend who knows you just had an IUI and will be getting results in two weeks? I mean you would tell them if it failed, and I doubt not talking at all would be an option for that time. And you totally need those people for support if something did go wrong. Basically if you let someone in to the details (dates of your procedures) its basically impossible not to tell them, or for them not to know. Good luck! lots of baby dust to you!

  7. I like your plan….R’s right – Jens do what they want! LOL. Hope I’m on the speed-text list 😉

    • LOL. Well, he is right….but I want him to be okay with it too ya know!?!? I’ve drafted an email that I plan to send to him this afternoon/evening before he gets home from work…..maybe it’ll help him see how I feel a little better. I think since he’s been so emotionally disconnected (in a lot of ways) to this whole process maybe he doesn’t want to “connect” until the 12 weeks too….in fear that something might happen in the first trimester. Idk!

  8. When my MIL is involved, there are issues, regardless of the topic. I’ve been seeing a therapist though, who highly recommended I start writing letters to my husband when we have arguments. She said it will help me collect my thoughts and give my husband a chance to absorb the information before we discuss it. Perhaps writing it out will help you too. Good luck, marriage is soooo hard sometimes!

    • Same here, my MIL is pretty difficult in a lot of ways. I like the write it out method….sometimes I even write him letters/emails that I never send, I find it very helpful! I’ve composed the email to him, I’m going to wait to send it until later in the day though, don’t want him to be overwhelmed with work and the email if I send it too early. Yes, marriage is very hard sometimes.

  9. Omg…this is the story of my life right now. I told a few close friends I knew I could trust and my husband decided to share the blog link with his sister, who decided to blab our pregnancy to his mom. His mom told another sister. Ugh…I’m so angry right now. I didnt want to tell the families until June when I’m 10-12 weeks along. Let’s just say the last few nights haven’t been very good in my house…

    • Oh no!!!! That’s just awful. I definitely do not plan on sharing THIS blog with anyone else!! It’s just way too private for EVERYONE. I MAY decide to do a pregnancy, then child blog….but that will be different and I don’t mind sharing that with people I know. That’s just awful, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! Thinking of you.

      • Thanks dear! Yeah…it blows right now. I feel like I’m on constant defense of who is going to find out next. I’m still scared something could go wrong and don’t want to have to tell all these people if it does because my husband’s family can’t keep their mouthes shut. It’s not a fun time right now. I’m hoping the ultrasound Monday brings good news because I could really use it!

      • Hopefully you’re right and Monday’s ultrasound brings some really good news! I’ll be thinking of you guys!

  10. I really struggle with this. There are close girlfriends I most definitely will tell. I trust my parents as they kept my bro’s wife’s pregnancy from my sister and I until he told us at 8 weeks. However, my in-laws are a completely different story. My mother-in-law disclosed her nieces pregnancy to huge group of people when she was only 5-6 weeks along. I just don’t need her doing the same to us. So, verdict is: I will most likely tell my family before we tell my husband’s.

    • Yea, I’m in the same position with my in-laws….I just don’t get it. I know they’ll be excited, but still…it’s OUR JOY to tell people when we’re ready….don’t take that away from us!

      • Definitely. You gotta tell then like 5 minutes before you do a big prego announcement. That seems to be the only way to avoid the disappointment from them sharing.

  11. We told our best friends the day I POAS. we’re telling our families this weekend(6 weeks) but our families are 40+ people. I imagine we’ll tell everyone around 10 weeks. After our miscarriage there are two ways we could have gone. 1. Not tell anyone until we are super in the clear. or 2. Tell early so we can celebrate our baby no matter what. We chose number 2. Also we have many prayer warriors in our families, so I want this baby and pregnancy covered in prayers. The only reason we waited until 6 weeks is so my younger sister could hear in person, and not feel left out. It’s your choice, completely. And I’m sure in the moment you’ll do what feels best for you. Hoping so hard that you are debating this intensely in 12days!

    • Yea, I’m sure it’s a much harder decision after having a previous miscarriage. Thanks for sharing your story with me! Lol, me too….thanks!

  12. You’re very right that men and women approach infertility differently. I definitely have a close, small group of friends that I keep updated on our progress, and I think I would feel strange not telling them when we do finally get pregnant. Their support has been so important to me! It would also be obvious when I stopped updating them on things. My hubby on the other hand doesn’t confide in anyone besides me, so I could see him wanting to keep it to ourselves in the beginning. Good luck, these decisions are not easy. Hopefully this cycle is the one, and then it will be a happy problem to have!

    • Sounds like we’re married to the same man! Yes, I agree….it will be pretty obvious if I stop updating them. Lol, yes I hope you’re right!

  13. I go back and forth on how long I will want to wait. I know fo’sho’ I couldn’t wait 12 weeks. hehe! I can’t even wait two weeks when I buy a gift at Christmas time. lol! I also feel funny trying to keep it a secret for so long…it’s as if I’m expecting something to go wrong. Like I said, I go and forth. My hubby likes to live in hope and faith and wants to tell everyone right away. I have lots of cute announcement ideas that I want to do and they all require an ultrasound pic so I’ll probably wait until after my first ultrasound. Just reading your post today got me so excited for you! xo

    • Yea, I know there isn’t a simple answer to the question….it’s just something I definitely want to be on the same page with my husband about. Aww, thank you! I hope we’re making this decision FOR REAL next week!!

  14. hey hun! I wish you every luck in the world!
    My hubby agreed with me to tell a few select people (my direct support network) in case something went wrong I would need them so it seemed reasonable and neccessary. However none of those people are on his side of the family or frienship circle and he likes it that way. He has told No one abut IVF not one person, I think its just how men are (especially if its male infertility, which it is for us) He has said that once we get a heart beat we will tell his parents and brother, and my closest girl friends but no one else will know for as long as I can keep it secret.

    I truly hope your IUI is successful xxx

  15. I totally could have written this! My husband is DEFINITELY one that deals by NOT talking! I only clam up when I’m REALLLLLLY mad… otherwise, I’m hard to shut up! LOL!

    Maybe you can make a long list of people that you want to tell, but then make like a top ten and tell him that you need to at least reach a compromise! Tell him that you will promise not to tell anyone but who is on that list until after you reach the 12 week mark!!

    I’m so hopeful for you!! ❤

    • Lol!! I think a lot of men are like that, after talking to some people. Well, we talked again tonight and “compromised” to only tell my sister before we’re past the safe zone…..I’m not thrilled, but what can you do?!? I want him to be comfortable with everything too ya know? Honestly, even though I’m only telling her it’ll be pretty obvious to everyone else bc I’m just going to stop talking about it for 3 months! Thank you so much, really hoping this is it!

  16. Same here except that I fully accept the “you’ll do what you want anyways,” because in reality I do. But my friendships are different so now he finally gets it. Plus, we’ve had 3 different times when I got +HPTs that didn’t work out and I needed those ladies. Good luck to you!

  17. ” I process things by talking, and R processes things by NOT TALKING. ” <– IMO, this means he is NOT processing things! Boys…

    I'm 100% an advocate of telling your closest friends/family right away. Anyone you'd want to have support from in a worst case scenario ALSO deserves to rejoice with you in a best case scenario. That's my thought!

    Also, FWIW, I disagree with one of the commenters above about 13w being the cutoff point for 2nd tri. If you go by the developmental side of things (which is the impt calcluation for miscarriage rates), 12w is the change (and 12 full weeks IS 12w gestation). http://mycheapversionoftherapy.com/2011/08/12/wait-how-far-along-am-i/

    Praying you need to deal with this decision soon! 🙂

    • That’s how I feel too. Thanks for sharing! The whole weeks talk confuses me…..I thought 12 full weeks would mean 13 weeks too, so that’s not the case? Thank you!! I hope you’re right!

      • Nope, because the first day of your period is day 1 – you’re 4 weeks along on CD28 (assuming you O like a “normal” person on CD14) – so at 28d you are 4 full weeks along. 12 full weeks along is simply 8 weeks after that. 🙂 The “12th week” would be between days 78-84, and you are 12 weeks pregnant on day 84 – exactly 8 weeks after the last day of the day your cycle would normally have ended if you weren’t pregnant.

  18. We’ve had three miscarriages and I would still tell my close friends if we get pregnant again. Occasionally I feel like I’m doing something completely taboo by telling early but I honestly don’t know how I would get through the first trimester and the trauma if we had another miscarriage if I didn’t tell at least a few people. My husband agrees as he knows that I need to talk about how I feel (both on my blog and in person) and I know it would be very difficult for my husband if he had to carry the weight of my fears and anxieties (and his own) alone. I also find it helps to tell people about my miscarriages and I see no reason to tell them when I miscarry but not tell them I’m pregnant. I’m sure if your husband realised your need to regularly talk about how you feel, he would be happy for to share that with someone other then him. Sometimes we can only be our truly neurotic selves with girlfriends and family! I hope this IUI is successful x

    • Thanks for telling me that….I feel the same way. LOL, yes I try to keep my neurotic self just to my girlfriends and family. Thank you!!

  19. We were pretty similar too. We finally decided on telling a very very few ppl. I explained this to him as these were the ppl I would NEED if something were to go wrong. That really made him see the light… Good luck girl!!

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