These last six days have been pure hell. I learned that there is something far worse than just a failed cycle. It is far worse to get a positive pregnancy test, positive beta HCG test, get excited, then have it all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It just feels like a cruel joke. The roller coaster of emotions is not fun, and I just want to get off the ride.

I stopped taking the progesterone suppositories Sunday after my lower HCG, and at this morning’s blood draw my HCG was 10 (steadily dropping from Friday’s 42). I started bleeding this afternoon…meaning it’s all over.

The cramps are terrible, physically. And emotionally it just feels like a stab to my heart with every cramp as I lose my baby (embryo? I’m not sure what it’s called this early in the game). I think I may leave work early today….I just need time to be alone and grieve. The timing of this couldn’t have come at a worse time for us. R is busy preparing for a big trial next week and will be working late every night this week so I’ll be all alone in the evenings.

I’m going to try and remain as positive as possible, continue to count my calories, and work out more nights than not…but it doesn’t make the “almost” any easier. We were almost off of the infertility roller coaster, but not quite.

I do realize it is a positive thing that I was able to get pregnant, I’ve read so many stories of couples with MFI….and not all of them end up getting pregnant, so I am happy for that. I hope that when we resume treatment in September we are successful within the first few times and we don’t run out of steam too quickly.

65 thoughts on “Almost

    • Thank you for sharing, I needed to read that! I bet, I know how tough it must be….and I know how scared you’ll probably be once you see the line again, or at least I think I will be.

    • Thank you! Yes, blogging helps me so much. It’s so helpful to talk about these things with others who know what I’m going through. It’s just sad how many of us there are!!

  1. Im so sorry Jen… this sucks big time…even though I have never seen BFP, I imagine that it takes the pain to a whole new level… 😦 Just bond with your husband and grieve so you can enter the new cycle feeling better…

  2. I am praying for peace and comfort over the next several weeks. I know exactly he emotions you are having. I am praying you don’t have to endure any more heartache and you get pregnant with your miracle baby the first try 😉

    • Thank you, you’re so right! I’m lucky to have such a supportive group of friends who (unfortunately) are in the same situation. Thanks again!

  3. Sweetheart, I wish I could do anything or even just a little something to help. Know that I’m thinking of you and praying for some peace for both of you. Please, please don’t hesitate to holler for anything, even just to get all this pain out. We are all here for you! Hugs, lady, and sending all the support I can!!

    • Thank you. I know….you’ve been great. No one wants to see their friend go through this. Thank you, peace is exactly what I need right now. Thanks again, I really appreciate it!

  4. i’m so sorry, i know the pain of seeing the + and then not being able to keep it. my heart breaks for you. take care of yourself and grieve the loss of your baby (i too was unsure about how to reference it, embryo? pregnancy? baby?) i choose baby. xoxo

  5. My heart is so broken for you. I know how you’re feeling right now – almost one full year ago, we lost our first little miracle. No words will heal your pain, and no amount of understanding will make it seem right, but it does become more bearable with time. I am sending extra love and healing thoughts your way. I know it hurts to hear it right now, but your Little One is healthy, safe, and joyous, maybe even playing with my Little One! We will smother them with kisses one day!!!

  6. I’m so sorry. I’m familiar with that pain and I wish I could make it better… You’re hopeful attitude is so inspiring. I’m sure it will be tough, and some days will be harder than others… But you DO have a great support system!! Lean in hard, sister!! ❤️

    • Thank you!! Yes, this support system is so wonderful….I don’t think I’d be able to make it through some of the tough times without you ladies!

  7. Jen, take all the time you need to grieve. A lost pregnancy is a lost pregnancy no matter how far into the game you are. *hugs* Know that I am always hear if you need someone to talk to while the hubs is at work, or even just anytime.

    • Thank you!! You’re so right. I really appreciate it, that works both ways. You’ve been so good to me!! Thanks for being such a good friend.

  8. Jen, such a loss is so hard for so many reasons. I’ll be thinking of you and your little one and hope you’ll be good to yourself in the coming weeks and months.

  9. so sorry for your loss, it’s the worst thing to have to go through. It doesn’t feel fair, cry it out and take the time to grieve. So sorry, wish there was something we could say to make it better xx

  10. Oh I’m so sorry. I went through this in November and there were days that I just stared at the wall almost catatonic. Be patient with yourself and take as much time as you need to piece your heart back together. Thinking of you.

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