Almost

These last six days have been pure hell. I learned that there is something far worse than just a failed cycle. It is far worse to get a positive pregnancy test, positive beta HCG test, get excited, then have it all ripped away from you in the blink of an eye. It just feels like a cruel joke. The roller coaster of emotions is not fun, and I just want to get off the ride.

I stopped taking the progesterone suppositories Sunday after my lower HCG, and at this morning’s blood draw my HCG was 10 (steadily dropping from Friday’s 42). I started bleeding this afternoon…meaning it’s all over.

The cramps are terrible, physically. And emotionally it just feels like a stab to my heart with every cramp as I lose my baby (embryo? I’m not sure what it’s called this early in the game). I think I may leave work early today….I just need time to be alone and grieve. The timing of this couldn’t have come at a worse time for us. R is busy preparing for a big trial next week and will be working late every night this week so I’ll be all alone in the evenings.

I’m going to try and remain as positive as possible, continue to count my calories, and work out more nights than not…but it doesn’t make the “almost” any easier. We were almost off of the infertility roller coaster, but not quite.

I do realize it is a positive thing that I was able to get pregnant, I’ve read so many stories of couples with MFI….and not all of them end up getting pregnant, so I am happy for that. I hope that when we resume treatment in September we are successful within the first few times and we don’t run out of steam too quickly.