Nearing the end of our break

ttc-trying-to-conceive-hope-fertility-infertility-e1330223506119We started trying for our first baby in October of 2012, by July of 2013 I was antsy as hell and NEEDED answers RIGHT AWAY about our (in)fertility, because I was starting to think something was wrong with me/him/us. By August of 2013 we had our diagnosis of male factor infertility, and in November of 2013 we started doing IUI’s. Well, four IUI’s and a chemical pregnancy later we decided we just needed a break from it all…so that’s just what we did.

If you had told me this time last year that by now I would need a “break” from TTC, I would have said you were crazy and that I would never take a break until I had my baby, but that’s exactly what we decided to do after our miscarriage in May. At first I was okay with the idea, then I got extremely anxious about waiting a few more months, then I came to terms with it again. The 2 month break has been so good for us, and me….in so many ways. It was so nice being off of the fertility medications, not having doctor’s appointments all the time, not worrying about what CD I was on, not having sex on a schedule, enjoying the summer, etc. We have really been enjoying ourselves and making the most out of the break.

I’m really glad I decided to get back on my antidepressants when I did….I think without them I would have been pretty miserable on this break, but with them they’ve helped me so much. They don’t make me “fake happy”, they just help even me out and make the lows more bearable. The plan is to stop taking them once I get pregnant, and since most of my depression (now) is from our infertility I think that I’ll be just fine. Different doctors have different opinions on Zoloft during pregnancy, but  mine feels that since the negatives would outweigh the positives that it will be best to stop.

patienceInfertility has taught me so much about myself, and about life. I’m a control freak, and have a bit of OCD too. I like things in order, the way I like them, when I want them. And usually that’s okay, because I have the ability to make things happen….but infertility isn’t like that. I haven’t been able to “control” our fertility.

I assumed when starting TTC that we’d have a baby on/around July of 2013….and, well that hasn’t happened. By this time I imagined myself with a 1 year old, or at the very least a bun in the oven….and none of that has happened yet.  It’s been tough, REALLY tough not having this on MY schedule, but I have to have faith. I know that God has a plan for us, and I just pray that we don’t have to wait too much longer to be finished with our infertility journey and onto our pregnancy journey.

AF should be visiting around the end of the month, and as soon as she comes we’ll get the ball rolling on IUI #5 (which will include Clomid, hMG injections, and the HCG trigger shot). I’ll have a “clearing ultrasound” on CD3 to make sure I don’t have any cysts or anything weird, and at that appointment my RE will also go over the protocol for this cycle and what meds to take on which days. I’m looking forward to starting a new cycle, and hope I can keep the crazy at bay for as long as possible.

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16 thoughts on “Nearing the end of our break

  1. We have the same exact time line, chemical pregnancy in the same month and even cause of infertility. I feel exactly the same way you do, not being able to control this aspect of my life bugs me out!! I wish you sooooo much luck with IUI #5. I in the 2ww of IUI #3 and feel like im DYING because of the anxiety of wanted to know if it worked or not.

    • WOW, that’s crazy!! So sorry for your loss too, chemical pregnancies are the worst!! Yes, the lack of control has been the hardest part for me. So sorry you’re so anxious right now, it’s how I always am….good luck girly…hoping this is truly it for you too! Thank you!!!

  2. So happy the break has been good for you! I am excited for your future because like you said, God has awesome plans in store for you. Love ya!

  3. Glad y’all enjoyed the break! In sharing many similarities with you, I know what you mean by being very upset when you’re not able to control things / get them when you want, even if that includes a long-term goal. For this reason, I can relate when you say that you are going to have to “keep the crazy at bay”. But, I disagree that it’s craziness….it’s instinct and you’re doing all you can to make it happen! I think maybe a better way to think about it is that you are going to have to keep your anticipation in check! XO

    • Yea, you’re right! I guess it is more anticipation than crazy, although sometimes the fertility drugs make me feel like a crazy lady (more than I normally do, lol). Thanks for saying that. XOXO

  4. Here’s to a new cycle Jen!! I’m proud of you! I wouldn’t have been able to stay sane during a break, but you took it to a new level! not only you took a break but you focused on yourself, your health! I hope 5 is your number!! XOXO Aloha, Dani

  5. It’s so hard to take a break when all you want to do is get pregnant already but it really does help in so many ways both physically and mentally. Glad you were able to do that and good luck this time around! Keeping fingers crossed for you!!

    • You’re so right. It wasn’t an easy decision, but in the end I think it was the right one for us at the time. Thank you, I really appreciate it!!!!

  6. We have a had a similar timeline, but my husband and I have had no pregnancies and 6 failed IUIs. Hang in there, you know what’s best for you.

  7. I am so happy that this break is exactly what you needed. I’m glad that you were able to relax and enjoy life instead of this awful 2 week cycle nonsense. I am soooo excited for this IUI!! I’m always here, just cheering you on!!

  8. I am very type A so I totally get where you’re coming from with feeling uncomfortable with the lack of control you have over your infertility or treatment outcomes. It is extremely difficuly but it helps you to grow at the same time. It sounds weird, but experiencing infertility has helped me tame my control freak tendancies a bit. I think the patience it teaches will really come in handy with parenting where there are possibly many factors outside of your control. We took a 2 month break this summer as well after two failed IUIs in March and April. It was supposed to be longer, but after a couple of months and reading the book Pregnant with Hope, I just knew it was time to get back on my feet and start fighting again! Best of luck with your next IUI!

    • I have a bit of that happening too, the “taming my control freak”…..it’s been so tough….but you’re so right, I know it will help me with parenting down the road. I think the break did us a lot of good, but like you I’m ready to fight again! Thank you! Good luck to you too with your upcoming IVF!!

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