We started trying for our first baby in October of 2012, by July of 2013 I was antsy as hell and NEEDED answers RIGHT AWAY about our (in)fertility, because I was starting to think something was wrong with me/him/us. By August of 2013 we had our diagnosis of male factor infertility, and in November of 2013 we started doing IUI’s. Well, four IUI’s and a chemical pregnancy later we decided we just needed a break from it all…so that’s just what we did.
If you had told me this time last year that by now I would need a “break” from TTC, I would have said you were crazy and that I would never take a break until I had my baby, but that’s exactly what we decided to do after our miscarriage in May. At first I was okay with the idea, then I got extremely anxious about waiting a few more months, then I came to terms with it again. The 2 month break has been so good for us, and me….in so many ways. It was so nice being off of the fertility medications, not having doctor’s appointments all the time, not worrying about what CD I was on, not having sex on a schedule, enjoying the summer, etc. We have really been enjoying ourselves and making the most out of the break.
I’m really glad I decided to get back on my antidepressants when I did….I think without them I would have been pretty miserable on this break, but with them they’ve helped me so much. They don’t make me “fake happy”, they just help even me out and make the lows more bearable. The plan is to stop taking them once I get pregnant, and since most of my depression (now) is from our infertility I think that I’ll be just fine. Different doctors have different opinions on Zoloft during pregnancy, but mine feels that since the negatives would outweigh the positives that it will be best to stop.
Infertility has taught me so much about myself, and about life. I’m a control freak, and have a bit of OCD too. I like things in order, the way I like them, when I want them. And usually that’s okay, because I have the ability to make things happen….but infertility isn’t like that. I haven’t been able to “control” our fertility.
I assumed when starting TTC that we’d have a baby on/around July of 2013….and, well that hasn’t happened. By this time I imagined myself with a 1 year old, or at the very least a bun in the oven….and none of that has happened yet. It’s been tough, REALLY tough not having this on MY schedule, but I have to have faith. I know that God has a plan for us, and I just pray that we don’t have to wait too much longer to be finished with our infertility journey and onto our pregnancy journey.
AF should be visiting around the end of the month, and as soon as she comes we’ll get the ball rolling on IUI #5 (which will include Clomid, hMG injections, and the HCG trigger shot). I’ll have a “clearing ultrasound” on CD3 to make sure I don’t have any cysts or anything weird, and at that appointment my RE will also go over the protocol for this cycle and what meds to take on which days. I’m looking forward to starting a new cycle, and hope I can keep the crazy at bay for as long as possible.