Everyone I’ve talked to said I will need several months to recover and heal from our loss….but everything in me just wants to keep pushing forward NOW! Maybe I’m not the “normal”, or maybe the real grief hasn’t hit me yet….but I’m not that sad anymore. I was sad for a few days….REALLY sad, but I don’t feel too bad now. I just hate that I have to wait three whole months before we can try again.
I’m wondering if it’s because I never really connected with our baby, since we already had one loss before this one. Maybe I knew from the start (with the super low betas, even though they were doubling appropriately at first) that this one wouldn’t last either, so that’s why I didn’t connect. I honestly don’t know. I do feel like I’m doing something wrong though b/c I feel pretty normal.
Now, what I’m NOT saying is that I’m happy I miscarried. Of course I’m not. I wish I was still pregnant, more than anything in this world….but right now I’m just ready to move on.
Then the whole timeline of everything comes to my mind. In just 1 more week we will have been TTC for a full TWO YEARS, which feels like an eternity to me. And waiting another 3 months means at the earliest it won’t be until 2015 that I’m pregnant again, and that only gives us three times to make a 2015 baby….then we’re already talking about having a 2016 baby. I realize that the timeline is out of my control, God has proven that to me time and time again….I know I need to let all of that go, but I’m just having a hard time.
Has this ever happened to any of you after a loss? I just feel like I’m in a really strange place right now.