Everyone I’ve talked to said I will need several months to recover and heal from our loss….but everything in me just wants to keep pushing forward NOW! Maybe I’m not the “normal”, or maybe the real grief hasn’t hit me yet….but I’m not that sad anymore. I was sad for a few days….REALLY sad, but I don’t feel too bad now. I just hate that I have to wait three whole months before we can try again.ย 

I’m wondering if it’s because I never really connected with our baby, since we already had one loss before this one. Maybe I knew from the start (with the super low betas, even though they were doubling appropriately at first) that this one wouldn’t last either, so that’s why I didn’t connect. I honestly don’t know. I do feel like I’m doing something wrong though b/c I feel pretty normal.

Now, what I’m NOT saying is that I’m happy I miscarried. Of course I’m not. I wish I was still pregnant, more than anything in this world….but right now I’m just ready to move on.

Then the whole timeline of everything comes to my mind. In just 1 more week we will have been TTC for a full TWO YEARS, which feels like an eternity to me. And waiting another 3 months means at the earliest it won’t be until 2015 that I’m pregnant again, and that only gives us three times to make a 2015 baby….then we’re already talking about having a 2016 baby. I realize that the timeline is out of my control, God has proven that to me time and time again….I know I need to let all of that go, but I’m just having a hard time.

Has this ever happened to any of you after a loss? I just feel like I’m in a really strange place right now.

31 thoughts on “Grief

  1. My first loss (first pregnancy) was devastating, but my betas weren’t doubling so I had a little warning. The second loss (second pregnancy) was sort of a surprise because the betas looks great but we didn’t even make it to the first u/s. The second time, I had a very “well we’ll see what happens” attitude from the BFP, so while I was heartbroken over the m/c, I feel like is also intentionally prepared for the worst. Our third attempt (first two were fresh IVFs, third was a FET) I just kept waiting for the bottom to drop out. Eventually it got easier, but there was a part of me that never TRULY believed we were having a baby until I went into labor and made it to the hospital.

    After the first loss, I was ready to hurry up and try again. After the second we took a break (also about 3 months) and as sad as I was to slow down (that timeline creeps up on all if us. You can’t help do pregnancy math, alllll the time) the break ended up being exactly what I needed. It was so nice not to have to take all those meds, and monitor everything, and no bloodwork! I was actually a little hesitant to start again, and considered another 3 months off (but, of course, the pregnancy math won).

    • Thank you for sharing your experience….I don’t know why, but it does make me feel more “normal”. I was almost feeling guilty because I feel pretty good right now. LOL, pregnancy math sucks!! I think because we took a 3 month break after our first loss, and now we’re suffering another is the main reason I don’t want to take ANOTHER break….I’m just ready to move on.

  2. I think it’s normal to feel however you are feeling because that’s your truth. You want a happy healthy pregnancy, so pushing forward NOW feels right and makes sense. Maybe in a week you will be hit with a train of grief. Maybe you won’t. I’ve learnt that my feelings are mine and no one else feels them – that’s what makes me, me. I think right now you need support to do whatever feels right. When I think of our timeline I get angry and resentful towards my DH, I try to remember we just have today. You are in my prayers xoxo๐Ÿ’•

  3. My first loss was completely devastating at 9 weeks. The second one wasn’t as hard because I didn’t have as long to get attached and also because I never got to see an ultrasound. It puts you in a weird place. I have my moments where I break down and sob my heart out, but mostly I’m in a weird numb/sad state. Just let yourself experience each emotion as it comes and know that you have an army rooting for you ๐Ÿ’ž

    • I never got to an ultrasound with either of mine, and maybe that’s why it was easier….but you’re right….I do have an incredible support system, and I will handle this however my body sees fit! Thanks for sharing your story!

  4. I say just go with it. Don’t feel weird if you’re not crying into your pillow every night. I really believe that grief works differently for everyone, and in every situation. Maybe you were sad for a few days and that will be it. Maybe you’re not that sad now, but will be later. I think either of those fall on the “normal” spectrum.

    In my own experience, I feel like I’ve dealt with grief in so many different ways. When my mom died three weeks after my daughter was born, I really didn’t cry at all when it happened. Of course I was devastated, but I just didn’t feel like I had it in me to grieve at that time. I don’t think I really started crying for her for almost a year. On the other hand, when I had my miscarriage a year ago, I was immediately upset and also upset for a long time after. In other instances in my life, I thought I would feel more sad for losing someone or something, but I just didn’t. I think it all really depended on the specific situation at that time.

    And pregnancy math is awwwwful. I hate it so much. It’s so hard, but try to take it one month, or even one day at a time. Adding it all up is so overwhelming and, at least for me, a recipe for a panic attack.

    You’re doing great! If you start to feel sad, then you can deal with it as it comes. If you never feel crushing grief, then that’s great, too! I think the important thing is to process the loss, which you are doing by thinking and writing about it. Hugs!

    • I also lost my mother, she passed away 8 years ago….when I was just 21….and that was seriously LIFE CHANGING. I’ve never experienced grief like I did with the loss of my mother. Thank you for sharing your experiences….I really appreciate hearing that you had similar situations. I think you’re right….it is different for everyone, and each loss is VERY different. Thank you for your support!!

      • I’m sorry you lost your mom. 21 is so young, too! I can’t even imagine what that must have been like. It really sucks, doesn’t it? I get sad about once a day thinking about how my mom will never know my daughter. I also wish she could have been with me through my miscarriage, and again now as I embark on the IVF adventure. I wish yours could be with you right now, too. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  5. With my second loss, I was ‘prepared’ too. It didn’t hurt as bad as the first. I knew my betas weren’t high enough and I just had a feeling. Although, grief looks different for everyone with every loss.. Every loss looked different for me:

    1st: Pure devastation (need to try again right away because it had to be a fluke)
    2nd: Acceptance, just want to move on and not think about it anymore.. Tried to get pregnant right away (I felt desperate to get pregnant again)
    3rd: Pure devastation after seeing a heartbeat twice (realized I needed time to heal, but thought I was actually going to die of a broken heart)
    4th: Defeat (is this really my life? But yet, at peace about everything and I’ve given up control of this)

    We handle things differently each time. You are normal. It could just be the frustration that you can’t try again for a while, it doesn’t have to be crying or depression. It may come in triggers later on when you least expect it. And the triggers may not have anything to do with this loss, but with the whole journey combined. My two year mark was hard for me. TWO years.. that really is a long time and for everything you’ve been through I can understand why you just want to move on now.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. And yes, you are normal. It’s different each time for each person. Sending so much love. (PS- I don’t even know if this comment made sense.. sorry for the rambling)

    • You’re absolutely right, grief looks different for everyone with every loss. Thank you for sharing your losses with me, it helps to know that I’m not alone in how I’m feeling. Yes, your comment makes complete sense….thank you so much for sharing. Thanks again for all of your support, love, and prayers….they mean so much to me!

  6. With my first two losses I was sad but not devastated. I didn’t even miss a day of work. I kept thinking I should be more sad. My third though – that one annihilated me. I have grieved (or not grieved) for all my losses differently and have learned that there is no normal way to do it.

  7. I feel as though I’ve had every grief experience I can imagine myself having with my many losses and I can relate to the desite to push forward. I have tried to harden my heart to protect myself from the hurt if it came (and it did) and that made me feel monstrous. I will never do that again. I love each and every baby we have conceived, naturally or through ART, no matter how long or short their time with us was. But I did plough forward without really allowing myself to grieve for most of 2013. I crashed *hard* this may after our DE loss that looked like so many of our others. If we did not have a child, I would have seriously worried about whether I would still be here – I was that gutted and felt that broken. That was after 6 losses in a row. I think I desperately needed the break that followed my May loss and although the break was necessitated by my need to get immune testing done and figure out that I was prepared to pay all of the endless costs associated with that to get some answers, it was long overdue from an emotional perspective. It has also changed my perspective on “pushing forward” in *my* case.

    You will know what is best for you. My gentle suggestion would be to use this time to do things you won’t be able to once you’re cycling again. Be good to you (or not so good ;-)) while you have this time for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. I think what you’re feeling is completely normal. With my M/C, I just wanted to get the show on the road because I felt that my body was READY!! Needless to say, countless more months of TI, 4 IUIs and 1 IVF later – not having a break didn’t get me pregnant sooner. At the end of the day, you have to do what feels good to you. Follow your gut. Listen to what your body is telling you. Your baby is within you…. and he/she may help lead you in the direction to go… Hang in there!! xo

  9. I hate that you have to go through this. I don’t have any experience with loss so I don’t have anything helpful there. Now my BFN experience is another story…Sometimes I cry a little, but the more BFN’s I get, the less they seem to effect me. Even when it’s an IUI cycle. Sometimes it makes me feel like I want a baby less than others…but most of the time I know it’s just my way of dealing with the let down each month. If I don’t get my hopes up (and really I never have symptoms that make me expect it to be a BFP) then the BFN’s are just easier for me to deal with. Sending big hugs your way!

  10. My first loss was an ectopic/tubal pregnancy. Just like you, I was ready and ok to move on the moment I woke up from surgery. It wasn’t until weeks later that I had started to grieve and go through a bunch of different emotions. I am very sorry for your loss, and NO ONE can tell you how you should or should not be feeling. If you are ok, then it’s perfectly acceptable to be ok. After my ectopic they has suggested we wait the 3 months but because we knew it would take longer for us to achieve pregnancy we started trying naturally right away (well as soon as they gave us the green light for intercourse). It is a suggestion, but if I understand right, they may force you to wait to try any treatments. Each loss is different and unique and therefore your response to each will be different and unique. Big hugs, girl! You aren’t alone in this!

  11. I absolutely agree with Bruised Banana, A Calm Persistence and Spirit Baby Come Home. I’ve had 5 miscarriages, and each one has been different, but each one of these ladies has described at least one of my experiences and emotional response.
    That said, we are working on try number 6 right now, and I’m frustrated as can be that its taking so long to get pregnant this time (this is a first for us). But, my husband and my counselor both think that this time has actually been really good for me to help me heal. While i know they are right in many ways, I still just want to be pregnant and get this next one underway.
    Anyways, I wholeheartedly agree with Spirit Baby Come Home – ” use this time to do things you wonโ€™t be able to once youโ€™re cycling again. Be good to you (or not so good ;-)) while you have this time for you.” Maybe even make a list of childfree things to do to reconnect with your husband. I have to admit, that has been one of the funnest things about our summer this year – living childfree and doing things we could not or would not do with kids (i.e. road trip to a Dave Matthews Band concert and drinking way to much, spending all our free time working on our boler project, etc.)

  12. I can totally relate to you. While I’ve only had one miscarriage, and I was extremely sad when I went to my appointment and there was no longer a heartbeat, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and there was something wrong that was out of my control and my baby decided to go to heaven. I was ready to move on the next day. I wanted a plan. I continued to grieve, and still do from time to time, but you have to keep going and move forward and think positively. Moving on is part of life…it may sounds insensitive, but I will always have love for my first pregnancy even though I never got to meet the bean. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Good luck to you!

  13. Everyone else has said it, but I’ll say it too, because it’s true: there is no right or wrong way to grieve any type of loss, and whatever you are feeling right now is your truth, your here and now. With my ectopic, like you I had several very tough days at first, then I was ok for a while. Then the grief kind of came back, here and there, in waves. Even now, two years later, once in a blue moon it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I start sobbing, seemingly out of nowhere. Maybe something like this will happen for you, maybe not. Whatever you feel is the right way to feel. I remember also feeling like I wanted to try again right away. In hindsight, I’m glad we didn’t, though I still was ready before that 3 months was up. After my second “normal” cycle after the ectopic, I was really ready to try again but the docs said to wait a little longer. That was hard, but then again not as hard as other aspects of infertility we have faced so we sucked it up and followed doctor’s orders. Thinking of you. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. I’ve never experienced a pregnancy loss as I’ve never been able to get pregnant, but I feel like you just have to listen to yourself and try not to compare. As long as you’re being true to yourself, taking care of yourself physically and mentally, then there’s no need to justify feeling normal or ready to move on. I know it’s incredibly normal to feel guilty for feeling good in a bad situation, though. We all deal with loss and grief in our own way, on our own time, and each loss will be handled differently, depending on how we process the situation. The fact that you’d been through it once before prepared you a little bit for this last loss. It sounds like you protected your heart a little bit by not getting attached, or that you were in tune with the baby enough to know what was going on. It does stink that you have to physically wait three months, but when the time is up, don’t let anything hold you back. Wishing you the best of luck next time!

  15. Im so sad this happened to you Jen ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I know there’s not much anyone can say to comfort you but rely on the fact that time takes care of everything. Cry, grief, allow yourself to feel the pain and share the load with your husband. I hope you guys can recover soon and dont have to wait long for another bfp. Sending all my love and aloha! xoxo

  16. I experienced my second loss earlier this month. Honestly, looking back now I think we really rushed into trying again after the first loss. We got pregnant right away, first month trying. However the longer I was pregnant, the more anxiety and fear I experienced, and we were 13 weeks when we lost the second (19 weeks when we lost the first.) I was devastated after the second loss, but I feel like part of me never connected with the second pregnancy due to fear and anxiety. But it was still so crushing to experience the loss again and push my dreams back again and to lose a second living little baby.

    I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to experience grief or a right or wrong timeframe for trying again. You have to do what is right for you and your family, and only you know what that is. My first thought after the second loss was to take a longer break (six months instead of three after the first loss) but the pregnancy math is creeping in again. And our bodies do go through so much, it might be nice to focus on getting in shape and getting to the best “me” possible before trying again. However, the clock is ticking… as we all know. There is so much to think about.

  17. I don’t have any personal experience on this front, but I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong for you to feel one way or another. We all process things differently, for different reasons. Of course you aren’t happy that you lost this one, and it’s not like you never grieved at all over it. I don’t think it’s wrong of you to be ready to pick up the pieces and move on already. Don’t doubt yourself or your feelings…they’re YOURS, and nobody has a right to judge you or tell you you’re wrong for the way you feel. Being ready to start over isn’t a bad thing in my eyes. ๐Ÿ™‚

  18. Probably since you had some time to see that things were not progressing the way they should, you had that extra time to feel sad for the loss. Now you want to move on and I feel your aggravation! Nobody should judge anybody for how they grieve or how long they grieve. I was devastated after my ectopic, I think because the Dr. diagnosed me as miscarried and then a week later I needed emergency surgery to remove the ectopic. And that being 4 years ago and still not even getting a positive on a HPT I still get a little depressed…thinking ‘was that it? is that the closest I will ever get to having a baby?’ I just hope for you that when you start again, that everything will be as it should. People should get paid to be infertile because this is hard freakin’ work!

  19. i just want to send you a big squishy hug. loss can be experienced on such a varied continuum of emotions. and can be felt different with each one. have had 4 of my own losses (one being an ectopic too), each one has left me with different experiences of grief. whatever you are feeling is the right thing to feel. it’s ok to feel detached. or angry. or numb. all of that is normal. detaching is a mechanism to survive. i do it too. i’m so very sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with this. sending you love and healing light. โค

  20. You feel exactly how you want to feel. I too was really surprised how little I wanted to grieve – or needed to – but I think it’s entirely down to you and your TTC journey. Sometimes action is the greatest remedy for loss – puts you back in the driving seat because you can – and will – achieve this. But that doesn’t mean you can’t let yourself be sad when you feel sad – you’re allowed that too. Just do whatever makes you happy/keeps you sane. Good luck, lovely. XX

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