When is enough enough?

IMG_8008After months and months of shelling out thousands of dollars, spending countless hours with our RE, undergoing numerous treatments, losing two babies — only to be right back where we started — how do you know when it’s time to give up?

Last night, while lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep my husband told me he wants to stop trying.

I always feared this day may come, because he was hesitant to try IUI in the first place. He felt like from the beginning that if it didn’t happen naturally maybe it just wasn’t meant to be….but then he came around. Last night he said, “it’s been two years of trying, we’ve had two miscarriages, and I just think it’s time we need to move on. We can’t keep living like this.” I asked him if that meant he wanted to move onto adoption, and he said he wasn’t sure about that either. He said he would be perfectly happy living child free (which he’s said in the past too).

Living child free is just not an option for me. I want to be a mother…..notice I said “I want to be a mother”, not “I want to be pregnant”. I’ve always dreamed of having a little baby that looked like us, maybe that had my smile and my husband’s beautiful curly hair….but more than anything I just want to be a mother, by any means possible.

Infertility can take over your life, and I definitely think it has for us.

I don’t think our marriage will survive if he doesn’t change his mind or compromise in some fashion, because this is a deal breaker for me. It just breaks my heart that things are happening the way they are. It’s just terrible to think that if we had been the 7 out of 8 people that don’t face infertility (instead of the 1 in 8 that do) that we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

We’re going out of town this weekend to visit my family, and I think on the car ride home Sunday we’re going to have to have a serious talk.

Maybe he just needs some time, but maybe he’s just at his breaking point and can’t go any further.

I’m really scared.

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63 thoughts on “When is enough enough?

  1. I’m so sorry things have come to this for you. Being that I’m on the beginning end of things, I can only imagine the amount of stress and heartache you’ve both gone through the past few years. I hope that you’re able to talk things through and come to some sort of compromise and understanding for what your future holds for both of you. I’m sorry your heart is hurting so much right now. *hugs*

    • I really hope so too, I never imagined divorce in our future….but if we can’t compromise on this it might just be where we’re headed. I’m hurting a lot today, and I’m really scared of where this might be heading. Thank you.

  2. This is heartbreaking. I urge you though to put your marriage first at least for a little while and perhaps seek healing through counseling. I hope that in this you can both find a happy compromise. Infertility wrecks relationships but it doesn’t have to. I wish you all the best.

  3. Such a heartbreaking situation for you. Sending you a big hug. I hope you are able to work this out but admire you for being steadfast in your pursuit of motherhood. Xoxo

  4. Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry that you’re hurting and even having to deal with any of this. I pray that your husband is willing to compromise and you can work through everything. Sending you big hugs and so much love!!!

  5. My husband wanted to stop trying too. He never wanted to try IUI and certainly NEVER wanted to try IVF. Sometimes a little break will work wonders. He said he was fine with living child free and I simply was not. At all. Thankfully, I did get to do IVF and have our son but it wasn’t easy. There was a lot of breaks and compromise. Seeing things from his side was not easy for me and I know he had a hard time relating to my despairation. I know now that he is glad he stuck it out. I hope that you both will find a way to work it out together as well and not let infertility steal your life together.

  6. Didn’t mean to write a comment all about me. Just wanted you to know that I have been there and I can absolutely see things from your side. There was no child free option for me either. I know that you will be a mother someday because you are so very determined! 🙂

  7. I’m so sorry for all you are going through. If it brings you any comfort, your blogs have been like little doses of inspiration to me (and I’m sure to many others as well). My husband and I are in our mid 30s (we met and married later in life) and have been TTC for 1.5 years. I’ve only been able to go forward with one IUI due to my body not responding well to other Clomid doses and having to wait so long for my period (PCOS). While we plan to continue trying, I often feel like I am the one on the front lines (16 pills per day, frequent ultrasound appointments, crazy hormones, etc) and just he has to go in every so often to do his “business.” I think this has made me a bit resentful, especially when he questions payments for things like sperm wash/lab work and makes comments about it being so expensive. I am incredibly blessed to have a job with the public school system as our insurance has a decent amount of infertility coverage. Do you think your husband might be more open to continue trying if My previous doctor said she suggested patients get a very part time job with our local county to get the fertility benefits. Just something to think about…. Also, we have started couples counseling to help us through this. Although there is often a stigma, it can be very helpful for people and their relationshups. Praying for you and all the other sisters out there TTC… XO

    • Thank you for saying that, I’m really happy to hear that. It’s just such a tough journey. I agree about the part about you being on the front lines, same here…especially now with our ectopic pregnancy. I’m still going in for weekly RE visits and tri-weekly blood draws….it’s just all so much, and so expensive. What local country job are you talking about? Are you in the US? I think couples counseling would be good, if he was open to it….I’m really not sure at this point. Thank you, I’ll be praying for you too.

  8. My husband and I had that talk as well, and what we did was make a plan. We are trying without help (you know if it happens naturally type thing) until we save up enough for IVF, then if one round of IVF doesn’t work, we are done. I understand your feelings, but my husband said it perfect ‘I just feel like it’s going to go on forever and that’s not what I got married for’. And it’s true…when people get married it’s because they LOVE that person unconditionally…not to get pregnant right away and have babies. Sorry for a little tough love here but if you honestly feel like you need to be a mother over first being your husband’s wife…then you should get divorced. It’s unfair to him to not love him as much as your desire to become a mother. In my book having a potential child should never trump marriage…ever.

  9. Man, infertility is a b*tch. It’s tested my marriage for sure. At times my husband has felt like a stranger. But we got married on the premise that we both wanted a family, so we never argued over *if* we’d pursue kids, just *how*.

    But my sister’s husband swung far to the “child free” side of the spectrum after they had been married a year or so. After 5 years of marriage they are now pursuing an amicable divorce, and his inability to commit to having children is a large factor (but certainly not the only factor).

    I don’t know when is a good time to make these difficult decisions, but my feeling is that it’s not good to make them during the process of a difficult miscarriage. It’s too hard to sort through those feelings of loss, grief, fear, and pain during that time–and time heals. Perhaps some counseling would help? So sorry you’re going through all this–that your faith in everything is being tested. *hugs* XOXO

  10. Oh hun, I am so sorry. I sure hope he takes some time to change his mind. I totally understand your reaction. It is hard to be so set on something. I hope if you go through a period of not trying it just happens. I hear so many people get blessed that way… Maybe just maybe you will too :). Sending you hugs and loves.

  11. Oh hon, we had a very similar conversation in our bed one night. It’s a deadly frightening place to be. I pray that you’re able to get back on the same page about this and work through things together.

  12. We had a similar conversation all relating to money and the $15,000 we just spent on the last failed IVF cycle. I’ve always said I need to be a mother too. My long term goals when I was 23 was to be a wife and mother (note, don’t tell employers that, big mistake) love being a wife now just one more to go… Or is it? Would I be happy for the rest of my life with the man that makes me laugh and loves me unconditionally just us? The short answer is no. And I’ve told hint that. But honestly I think that we need to take it one day at a time. When I get all caught up in the fertility calendar I get lost in being present and in the moment. I can’t tell you when enough is enough, nor can anyone tell me. But what I do know for our relationship is that we have so much love to give! But at what cost…? When we had our first appointment with our RE he said “oh no your so young that we don’t wanna have to spend any extra dollars, kids are expensive, you need to save that money…” Now almost $21,000 spent in 1 year and for what? One brief glimmer of hope and a whole bunch of sadness. I’m sorry you are going through this right now. I will have you in my thought and prayers. Xoxo

  13. Hugs to you. I know it’s tough. I had moments where I wondered if I should give up. In fact, I gave up and became pregnant! Sadly, it ended in an ectopic. But sometimes I think it’s important to take some time to reflect on where you want to go and let your body relax after the stress of treatments. Talk it out with your hubby. In the end, it’s your body and your the one going through most of the treatments. Maybe if you explain to him that you’re not ready to give up and you’re ok with the stress of the treatments, he might change his mind.

  14. This is an awful place to be. But try to give yourselves some time and space. Infertility is hard for husbands too and they do waffle and doubt just like we so even if they can’t blame the hormonal swings. Keep talking and try to be patient with each other.

  15. I’m so sorry. Don’t forget he is grieving too. He might be angry and fearful and expressing emotions in a way that he might not if he has a chance to grieve. His grief might be fear or frustration or anger right now. It’s too soon after so much trauma to pin down either of you on forever plans.

    I think at a minimum you should talk to a professional. I am so sorry for you. This process has taken so much from all of us.

  16. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also want to be a mother, and if DH is fine without children, it will be a deal breaker for me too. It’s going to be a hard discussion. I pray that you can come to a good compromise. Praying for you! xo

  17. I feel for ya girly…been there too. We just had almost the exact same talk. He is happy with our marriage and just us, living child-free….and I am not….and not like a little…I cannot live child-free….period. I know for some they can accept it…but I’ve always known I WILL be a mother. Just the way that will happen is up in the air for now. I think talking about it…total honesty…will help this Sunday. If you are both totally honest and open then that’s all you can ask for. I’ll be thinking of you sweet friend…xoxo

  18. Oh Jen! My heart just breaks to hear this. If Sunday’s talk doesn’t go well, would he consider seeing a counsellor and working through some of his grief/fear around continuing to try? It’s worth asking… I know if any couple can make it through infertility, they can make it through anything. I pray that your relationship will be strong enough to overcome this and move forward. BIG BIG HUGS! ❤

  19. I am so sorry you are facing this! I do hope you two are able to talk through this and find a solution that works for both of you. I definitely agree with all the suggestions that this might be a situation that a counselor might be able to help you guys navigate a bit better.

  20. Oh, this sounds so terribly hard. The difficulties of infertility are hard enough when you have your partner there to be fully with you, so I can’t imagine how hard it is to be at this point. I am praying that you are able to find something that works for both of you and to move forward. ❤

  21. I am so sorry you two are walking through this. I can’t tell you how many times I have told my Hubs that I was done, that I didn’t want to do this anymore. But here we are trying and trying again. After 3 losses in one year we are fighting our way to keeping our marriage happy and healthy. I hope that you two can sit down and really talk about it, perhaps this most recent loss is still fresh for him, I would strongly encourage you guys to not make any decisions until you are 1000000% confident that you are on the same page. I KNOW you guys can do this! I know that you two can fight through this obstacle. I believe in you! 🙂 Fight for each other and don’t forget you are a team, I am soooo cheering for you, cause it’s VERY hard. XOX

  22. I know I left you a note on IG, but I can’t stop thinking about you and the situation you are in. You know, I know everyone will have an opinion… but at the end of the day you have to do what makes sense for the both of you. Only you know what will make you happy and DH knows what will make him happy. I’m definitely keeping you in my prayers and hope that you and DH find happiness at the end of this road… hopefully together. 🙂

  23. I think that you and your husband have been through a lot. This may be his way of dealing with the loss of your last pregnancy. I suspect that as time goes on and your body prepares to level out he will change his mind.

  24. I’m sorry you’re in this terrible position right now. I wanted a man perspective and asked my mr me what would make him want to stop. He said if it was financially impossible to go any further then that would be an issue. But even more so, it would be watching me go through SO much medically and repeatedly ending up with empty arms and a little bit more of my heart eroded each failed cycle. Perhaps your hubby can’t take seeing you hurt anymore? Our blokes are more sensitive to our emotions than their own sometimes I think. I hope you and him can pull together in the same direction through this.

  25. Thinking of you during this tough time. IF is not a fun part of marriage and can be so tough. I hope that with time clarity comes for you both and you can move forward together. Many hugs and thoughts your way.

  26. Sending so much love, my husband and I have had a similar conversation and I just couldn’t compromise on that either. Something he fully understands. However, realize that guys handle things differently and maybe he just might needs some time. He sees the stress it puts you through, he’s not only had to deal with losses, but he also has to somehow be strong enough for you too. It’s a lot of pressure.. It really is and it’s not easy. Sending so many hugs your way and praying so hard that you’ll be able to work together through IF.. It’s just not fair, I’m sorry.

  27. I’m so sorry that this is coming up for you now. My husband was also hesitant with fertility treatment and really hesitant when we started talking about IVF. I told him not trying every option was a deal breaker for me – if IVF wouldn’t have worked for us then I would have had the conversation about being child-free. Infertility sucks. I hope you and your husband are able to work though this difficult time and come to an understanding that you’re both happy with.

  28. Oh dear. I’m sorry you’re scared (understandably). I ventured into the what-if territory today with my guy and I heard the words he wasn’t saying as well as the ones he was. “This is all you think about anymore”; “this has had such a heavy emotional impact on all of us and most of all on you but it affects all of us”; and the unspoken “I need an end in sight”. Instead he said we do not need to make the decision to continue if this cycle fails or our embryos don’t survive the thaw. He is right. But your post makes me appreciate that the wall has been sighted and I don’t know what will happen if I run flat out toward it.

    If you truly are not on the same page, something will have to give. But in my experience sometimes it isn’t as clear as all that and feelings about this stuff are messy and unarticulated. Sometimes they are just plain hard to articulate at all. I wish you peace as you broach this tricky subject. Peace and fortitude.

  29. Oh Hon so sorry you’re going through this on top of everything else. We almost gave up after 3.5 yrs. Take a break from ttc. It will take the pressure off your husband and you for a while. You’ll be amazed what a break can do. It can give you that strength and courage to try again. Give him time to ‘catch up’ with you. Thinking of you x

  30. I am so sorry to read this… My husband and I were right on the edge of divorce at the beginning of the year. After our 3rd failed treatment, he told me the same thing. He was a little more open to adoption than your hubby, it seems, but there are still moments I wonder if he fully meant it. We decided to take a break… I made us a counseling appointment with someone that specializes in IF and after not speaking for a few days, I simply told him the day & time and that if he didn’t show, the conversation we would have afterwards would be much more definitive – and completely his decision. But I also decided, for me, that I was going to go whether or not he did because **I** needed the support from someone if I couldn’t get it from him…

    I am sending you so much love and prayers. If you ever want to talk, you can email me at munchkinmcnabb@gmail.com! ❤️❤️

  31. I’ve been through something similar to this and I know how devastatingly painful it is. My hear goes out to you! ❤

    Before we married, I told my husband that I had to have kids and if that wasn't okay with him, it was my deal breaker. He agreed to this, life went on, complications came up (cancer, etc.). Once I could go see an RE, he threw a fit and said he thought we would just get pregnant "the natural way" and that he decided he didn't want to have kids. I always knew it wasn't his favorite idea, but he also said he thought he would grow to like our kid. Anyhow, we saw a couple's counselor and our own counselors and had many conversations about it. It never did completely get resolved, to be honest. But, we're pregnant now and he is SO sweet. He says he's feeling okay about things. He sleeps with his hand on my tummy and is very protective of me. I hoped with all my heart that he would come around, and it appears he is for now. This is all to say that it may take some time, but don't give up. If he really loves you and agreed to have a family with you, he may just need some time off. Make sure to let him know how you feel. Remember that you are friends and you support one another. Yes, it's hard, but it's just a part of life. If you truly want to be a mother, make it happen. ❤

    I know you're going through so many emotions right now. If you want/need to talk, I'm here! Hugs!!!

  32. Oh hon, my heart goes out to you! This is all so hard. My husband and I had this conversation a few times and after really talking it through, I realized he was scared for me and the low place I would go to after every loss. I can’t help thinking your husband is reacting to this very difficult miscarriage you’re going through, and the hurt he’s feeling and the worry he must have for you are influencing his decision right now. Praying this time you have to take off right now will give you both a chance to heal and work through this. Hugs hon ❤️

  33. Sending love and light. I’ve been there too. Infertility changes your relationship. Sometimes it’s not for good and sometimes it is. We stopped last year and we are still trying to communicate again and learn how to be a couple again.

  34. Infertility and loss is so hard on a marriage. My husband and I have definitely had our fair share arguments and not seeing eye to eye. I am praying your husband just needs some time and that he will come around. Hugs!

  35. It’s so difficult when you are not on the same page as your husband about big issues such as children.. Please try counselling like others have suggested and don’t make any hasty decisions! Best of luck with it all!

  36. Praying for you and upcoming conversations. Infertility sucks.

    I purchased a book called Swimming in Circles by Michael Barr. http://www.amazon.com/Swimming-Circles-Baby-Chase-Odyssey/dp/1453870326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1412550417&sr=8-1&keywords=swimming+in+circles

    I know that you are facing MFI (and now me too) I wanted to find further understanding on infertility from a male perspective. I haven’t started it yet however, I am looking forward to it. Once I read it I will be posting about it on my blog. I thought maybe this is something you would be interested in as well.

    Thoughts and Prayers!
    Lisa

  37. I’m a few days behind here, but I am praying for you guys. Infertility is so, so SO hard on a marriage. I definitely felt like it was causing us to be pulled in different directions, as we deal with things so differently. I definitely encourage you guys to take a step back and get some perspective, before making any decisions. Sometimes a break can help take the pressure off and help you guys just reconnect as a couple, not just TTC. So much prayer for you guys. XOXO

  38. you said it perfectly
    “Infertility can take over your life, and I definitely think it has for us.”
    That is so true for so many of our situations. Maybe this trip will be some time to TRY to take things off both of your minds and just enjoy each other and your family. Maybe not making a definite decision of adoption or a next step but just putting what you and he would both like to do out there so you can both know how the other really feels! good luck to you! Hoping for the best for your situation!

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