My heart is literally hurting

I had another check-up today, they took more blood (my poor arms) and did another ultrasound. My HCG is finally dropping like it should (it was 513 today), so it looks like I will be able to avoid another methotraxate shot or any type of surgery…..excellent news. Also, my ultrasound was perfect, but when my RE told me we were just about through this and we were going to take a month off then finally get me pregnant again I burst into tears. I didn’t have the heart to mention anything to him today about us quitting, and there’s really no point at this time anyway because I hope and pray that my husband changes his mind. I just said thank you and left his office crying all the way to my car. It literally makes my heart hurt at the thought of not trying again…..I just feel like we are SO CLOSE!!!!!!!!! I have to go back in for more blood work on Thursday.

At my RE’s office I’ve had my own “personal nurse” from the very start. She’s such a sweetheart, and it’s nice having ONE go-to person for questions and such. She’s a petite little thing, and I could have sworn I saw a baby bump on her today…..then I overheard someone congratulate her. It broke my heart. Of course she’s allowed to have children, and I’m happy for her…but being a RE nurse I just felt like her “situation” will likely be hard for a lot of her patients. Ahh the irony of it all.

**Sorry for such a whiny post, just trying to keep it real…..and this is just the type of day I’m having today.

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34 thoughts on “My heart is literally hurting

  1. I wish you didn’t have this hurt! I’m really hoping you and your husband can talk it out and you can both get everything you need. I agree, it feels like you’re so close! (Also, major bummer about your nurse and her baby bump. Of course it’s great news for her and I’m sure she deserves it, but that’s not at all what you want to see when you go to the RE).

    • Thank you, I really hope you’re right. That’s what is so hard about him wanting to stop now, we’ve been through so much…..and I just feel like we’re so close to our “happy ending”. Yea, my pregnant RE nurse is going to be tough to see as she progresses further. I mean I’m happy for her, and for all I know she struggled to get pregnant too….I don’t know her story and shouldn’t judge her or be angry/jealous of her….but it’s just so tough sometimes.

      • I agree, hopefully he just needs a little time to recover from and process your recent losses.

        And you can totally be happy for your nurse and stress that you have to watch her pregnancy progress at the same time. Regardless, it just doesn’t feel good to see it, and that’s something this community will always understand. Big hugs!

  2. It breaks my heart that you are going through all of this. I know what it’s like to have tears streaming down your face in front of your RE and then crying all the way to the car. I really hope you and hubby find the right place for you. There is no right or wrong… just what’s right for you both. I know you really want to be a mother… and I truly believe it’s in your future. hang in there!

    • It’s just terrible, I hate that feeling. I just sat there in my car for a few minutes sobbing before I felt like I could start it up and head back to work….and to top it off it’s pouring the rain here today, which always makes everything seem more sad. I really hope so too, thank you!!!

  3. I am so sorry that you’re hurting so much right now. I wish I could just give you a big hug! I do believe things will work out for you. I think maybe your husband is just grieving right now and the thought of going through this again is just too much right now. I hope and pray he will come around though!

    • I would love that! I really hope you’re right. I think you might be right about my husband, I think this past loss hit him really hard….and he was really scared when he found out all of the possible results from an ectopic pregnancy (death, surgery, rupturing tubes….and other scary stuff). Thank you, I really hope he does.

  4. I’m sorry, girl. It’s really hard to be at such a low place in the journey. I so hope your husband changes his mind (and I agree with what others said on your last post that he’s likely grieving and that is why he’s saying that he wants to stop). No matter, what, though, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you can’t see it just yet, it’s there. The exact right plan for you is unfolding as we speak. And yeah, I totally remember right after my miscarriage, talking to my pregnant doctor about it and I was just like, UGH! Sending hugs, peace, comfort and lots of HOPE to you.

    • It truly is. I just feel so empty right now. I honestly suspect he will come around, I think this loss has just affected him quite differently than it has me….and he was SO WORRIED for me when he found out the possible risks associated with ectopic pregnancies (death, surgery, and other scary things). Thank you so much for thinking of me, and supporting me in my time of need.

  5. Jen – they poked me 5 times this morning for my blood. I’m bruised everywhere! I’m so glad that your levels are dropping appropriately now. Did you have that convo with your husband yesterday? I know it’s so hard, but I truly believe you will have a successful pregnancy. He just needs to keep the hope alive. XO

    • OUCH!!! I’ve never had that happen before (knocking on wood as I typed that). I think my veins are just sore. They don’t look too bruised, but they’re really sore because every stick hurts now. I mean seriously, with bi-weekly/tri-weekly blood draws I guess that’s to be expected. We did have another talk in the car this weekend, but we really didn’t get anywhere. He doesn’t want me to resent him and I don’t want him to resent me……we’re kind of in a holding period right now. I suspect he may just need more time. I tend to be able to make decisions quickly, and pride myself on doing so….and he’s quite the opposite, so maybe he just needs more time. And maybe this loss is affecting him a lot more than it has me. I really don’t know. He RARELY opens up to me (which is also tough).

      Thank you, I’m just happy to have my levels finally dropping appropriately, probably only a week or so more until I’m back at 0.

  6. Ugh love, I am so sorry! My heart breaks for you! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers- for clarity and peace at the very least. And that hubby comes around once he has had time to process- not only is it rough to lose the baby, but the thought of losing you too possibly must have been doubly rough. It is unfair all around.

  7. No apologies necessary. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Wishing you light, strength and peace – and also hoping your husband has a change of heart. <#

  8. It sounds like your DH is wanting to quit the heartache, not necessarily the dream of being a parent. Men not only hurt themselves, but also hate to see us hurting. Drs will just give you their plan without thinking of the emotional aspect, but you maybe need some time to deal with the losses first? In our 7 years of infertility, we took so many breaks, just like many others I know. They felt like forever and were often painfully difficult, but were needed for our relationship. Maybe your husband’s compromise could be trying alternative remedies with you – there are herbs, diets etc. if you research there are loads of things to try that you barely need to think about and you will feel like you are doing something – whilst you set a few or more months aside (with a definite end date) where you decide not to make any decisions about the next step
    until suck day? It is not easy whatever happens, but wishing you all the best.

  9. You have a right to whine and be upset!!! I hope you feel better soon. Hopefully your husband is just trying to understand and cope with all of this and will change his mind. Thinking of you.

  10. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much hurt right now. I’m glad, though, that you don’t need anymore shots or surgeries or anything. I hope with all my heart that things smooth themselves out with your hubby. Thinking about you often. *hugs*

  11. Sweetie, no need to apologize. You don’t sound whiny at all. I hope that you and your husband can work something out with trying again. It does seem so painful that the nurse is expecting. I know she has to continue on with her life but it’s not the best career field to be in as far as you know it’s hurting people to see that.

  12. I’m so sorry you are hurting so much now. I think that your husband is hurting too, and trying to save himself from the risk of ever having to feel this again (sometimes hubbys aren’t as strong as we are!). Take some time to heal, and I think he will come around. You are so close, and you are so strong. Big hug to you. You’re in my thoughts. xo

  13. So so sorry you are having a rough day. Loss is unfathomable and so hard to navigate through. I am happy that you won’t need another shot, but I just soo wish this wasn’t even the case for you. Big hugs and I am praying!!!

  14. So sorry you and DH are going through this. The loss is unimaginable to most who have never put these kind of efforts into creating a family. As the fear and the grief subside, I hope you both find peace and clarity with which to move forward. (((hugs)))

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