Checking in

IMG_8248Sorry it’s been so long since I have updated, I didn’t mean to neglect my blog or you guys. I’ve still been reading all of your blogs, but just haven’t had it in me to update lately.

Things have been really rough these past few weeks.

My HCG levels are still dropping and I’m down to only once a week blood draws….so that’s good! This past Monday my HCG was 73, my next test is this coming Monday. They told me I’ll have to keep doing blood draws until my levels are 0.5 or lower.

R & I have been really struggling lately. The D word was thrown around a few times last week (by him, not me).

As of a few weeks ago he said he doesn’t want kids anymore (biological/adopted/anything). I think he has been battling with some serious depression. He started on some new medication a few weeks ago and is starting to be more like himself this week… thankful for that. I’m not sure why he said he doesn’t want kids and threw around the D word last week. I’m not sure if he really doesn’t want kids, feels like this whole thing is his fault, is scared we’ll have another miscarriage, is scared something worse may happen if we try again….I’m honestly not sure. He’s been very closed off since the ectopic, very disconnected. I think a lot of it stemmed from depression… I’m hoping he’ll start feeling better (and acting better) in the upcoming weeks/months….we’ll see.

We’ve decided to stay together and try to work things out, which in turn means putting the kid thing on the back burner for a while.

So now I’m just trying to focus on myself and our marriage. I’ve been crafting a lot lately (minky baby blanket tutorial coming soon), been focusing more on my diet, and walking more days than not.

I really hope R comes around to the idea of TTC again. I just feel like we were SO CLOSE. Honestly though, I’m totally open to adoption too. I don’t need to be pregnant, but I do need to be a mother. Also, I don’t even “need” a newborn, I would be perfectly happy adopting a child under the age of 5 that really needed a happy/healthy home….either way I know that I need to be a mother.

Our infertility costs have really skyrocketed lately…..with the ectopic and all of the blood draws and appointments. It’s just so difficult paying for this miscarriage (in more ways than one). It just sucks so much. I think we’ve decided to switch insurances again in 2015, looks like my company’s insurance will be a better well-rounded policy for us….and quite a bit cheaper too.

Wow, sorry that was such a long winded update….but it’s been a while and there was a lot to update you on.

I hope you all are doing well. I’ve seen several BFP’s lately, which is incredible. You are all in my thoughts & prayers.

Thank you for your continued support and love….you guys are the best!!

Please continue to pray for us. ❤️

70 thoughts on “Checking in

  1. You have to pay for your blood draws? That is so sad. I’m sorry this is all happens in but hopefully time will heal. Sometimes we forget how these events can affect partners and I bet your husband is unable to explain or understand how this is hurting him. 😦

    • Yes! I think our copay has been ranging from $25-$50 depending upon whether I go to the hospital or to my RE’s office. For sure, I had no idea just how hurt he was until recently. I guess I was mainly just worried about myself at first.

  2. Sorry to hear of the difficulties. Through our infertility issues, I was the one who’d say things like “I don’t want more kids” or even use the dreaded D word. My brain just couldn’t cope with the grief and just wanted to push my husband away.

    Adoption is a beautiful thing and if you do go down that path know that it isn’t blood that makes a parent, but who is there for you when you cry in the night or go to your first school dance, etc.

    I really hope that you will get everything you are hoping for soon.

    • I think what you described is how my husband is feeling now too. I know he has really been struggling. You’re so right about adoption, and if we go down that road I know I will be satisfied. Thank you, I really appreciate your support.

  3. I’ve been thinking about you for a while and wondering how you’ve been doing. I was so worried about you, for so many reasons, and was really hoping that things were starting to work themselves out for you and your hubby. I’m sorry he’s going through depression…I’ve struggled with it since I was about 10-12 years old, I know how difficult it can be, and I know sometimes you don’t even realize it’s depression rearing its ugly head. I truly hope that his meds can help him, and in turn help you both. I’m so happy to see that he’s sticking around and you guys are working on things! Maybe it’s good to put kids on hold at the moment, in whichever aspect, and get yourselves happy and healthy again first.
    I’ll continue to think good thoughts and send happy vibes your way. Good to hear from you again *hugs*

    • I also struggle with depression….and you’re so right, sometimes the hardest thing is just identifying the symptoms and recognizing it for what it is. I noticed a few weeks ago something just wasn’t right, and he agreed to see his doctor right away….I hope the meds help him feel more normal again. Yes, I definitely think putting the kid thing on the back burner for a while is a good idea….for many reasons. I think we need longer to heal, and I definitely don’t want to bring a baby into a rocky marriage….so we just need more time. Thanks for your continued support 🙂

  4. So sorry you’re going through this difficult time with your husband. The financial repercussions of a loss are always shocking and devastating. Big hugs to you. I hope you and your husband find your way back to the same place and to happiness.

  5. Medical bills and miscarriage put a HUGE (like, I cannot stress that enough) strain on our relationship. My husband recoiled and lashed out like a cobra, and it was beyond painful enduring his anger/blame while going through loss and illness. I really REALLY feel for you. But you’re so right–it’s not a good time to make decisions (like the D word) when you’re still reeling from grief and loss. Sending you strength and so much respect for the effort I KNOW you are exerting while trying to heal/process your grief AND deal with your partner’s reaction to it all. *big hugs* XOXO

    • While I’m sorry this happened to you too I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone. I think that was what took me so long to update everyone. I just felt so alone in what I was going through (with the D word being mentioned and depression). Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it!!

      • No you’re not alone, not hardly–a lot of people don’t talk much about it but I’ve been very candid (as an anonymous blogger) about some of our fights, as embarrassing as it is to admit. And I try not to compare my marriage to other bloggers who only have nice things to say about their partners. I would feel ashamed. But turmoil, especially during times of crisis, is *normal* and if you guys can heal & get back on the same page, you’ll be stronger for it (albeit, bruised and battered). Take care of yourself first. XOXOXO

  6. Yeahhhhh minky blanket tutorial! I was going to ask you to teach me how you did it. And I am shocked that the blood draws are out of pocket. Your situation makes me grateful for our health care up here. You are the definition of strength. I can not believe how long you have endured this loss before it is safe to say you are in the clear. I’m guessing that means no official period yet!? Other than that, I just want to wrap my arms around you and your husband. Sending much love your way.

    • I actually already have it typed up ready to go….just waiting until my friend receives hers (mailed it out on Monday). For sure, blood draws have been pricey….ranging from $25-50….and at 3 times a week for 5 weeks that’s a LOT of money in blood draws alone! Thank you, I really appreciate your love & support. I think it still may be a few weeks until my HCG returns to 0….but I guess we’ll see. No official period, I’ve had some bleeding here and there, but not much, and not for long. XOXO

  7. Oh my, I am so sorry to hear how hard all of this has been on you and R. TTC and loss are devastating. While it is no wonder R is battling depression and saying things he may or may not mean, I hope the new meds help him communicate better with you and that the two of you can sort through your relationship concerns with time and some further distance. This process and the pain of it can break many things – hearts, budgets, bank accounts, spirits, relationships – and it is hard work to come back from the dark places it takes is at times. My heart goes out to you both. I hope you continue to recover (73 likely means a few more weeks of your body is anything like mine in terms of how the drop slows near the end 😦 ) and stay true to yourself in the coming weeks, months and year. I hope 2015 brings brighter days. Meanwhile, big hugs!

  8. P.S. On the depression front, my guy suffers from clinical depression and despite being on the max dose of his two meds has been not-want-to-get-out-of-bed depressed at points on our journey too. It takes time for meds to work and really help stabilize the biochemical component of depression. It is great that you are seeing some improvement. It is also okay if at any point you and he are angry with his depression for stealing your husband when you least expected it. The illness can be cruel – not his fault not yours. He will be back. And *you* will be okay. Bruised and banged up a bit but okay. All the best.

  9. I am so sorry to hear about these struggles. I’m glad your husband is on meds and that they seem to be working. Depression is no joke and I’m sure it’s making him feel worse/more hopeless about everything. It’s great that you are taking this time to work on your marriage–it can only mean good things in the end! These are rough days for you, but know that you have a ton of support and you WILL get through it. Sending hugs from here.

  10. Wow, my heart goes out to you. I hope you have a good support system, both for yourself and for the two of you…do you? Family? Friends? You really need it right now. And I hope you don’t take this as presumptuous, but do you think some sort of couples counseling might help? I know, I know, that costs more money. But reaching out for help can sometimes be just what is needed. I hear you on the medical costs, though! My ectopic was just over two years ago. We are still paying it off. The final payment is scheduled for next June, more than 2 1/2 years after it took place. It’s awful. I hate making those payments every month.

    • Thank you! I do, my friends & family are great…it’s just been so hard. We’ve both done counseling in the past (individually), but he says he doesn’t want to do couples counseling right now….maybe the medication will make him more open to it in the coming weeks though. I agree, reaching out is so helpful. Oh wow, that’s crazy how long you’ve been paying for yours….it just sucks! I can’t imagine making those payments every month for as long as you have. So sorry. Thanks for checking in with me.

  11. Oh hon, what a difficult spell you’re going through lately. It’s totally understandable to not have it in you to write updates here, but thanks for taking the time to do so. Praying you guys can get things worked out…

  12. I’m so glad you updated, but so sorry you’re dealing everything. IF does take a toll on every marriage, but I’m so glad you’re going to be focusing on you and your marriage now too. Just know there are so many women that care about you and we are here whenever you need us. I’ve been feeling lately like I needed to distance myself from blogging a bit. Although I’m still reading everyone’s posts, I can’t seem to formulate a thought of my own, but I’ll continue checking on you and praying everything gets better for you.

    • For sure, IF is such a tough thing to go through. It’s just so hard sometimes. I hear you on the distancing yourself, I think I felt a little like that…and was a little embarrassed about the D word and other things. So many of the blogs I read talk about how wonderful their relationships are, and I just felt like I wasn’t even close…..I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about though, and you guys are here to support me no matter what. I’m sorry you’re having a tough time right now too, you guys remain in my prayers & thoughts. XOXO

  13. I’m so sorry sweetie. Sending you lots of hugs, love, and support for both you and your husband. I’m glad you’re taking time for yourself. The blankets you made are gorgeous. I pray one day you get to make one for yourself ♥

  14. I’m sorry you’re going through tough times. You’re an extremely strong person (and amazing crafter, I might add) I have every confidence that you’ll weather this storm too. Sending lots of love. xx

  15. I’ve been thinking about you so I am happy to see an update from you, but I am sorry things are just rough right now. I hope that the meds continue to help R and he comes around. I’m lucky that even with infertility, I have no experience with depression so I don’t have any helpful advice with that area. Just know what I’m sending lots of love, prayers and hugs!!!

  16. I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Sounds like you are thinking positive and I am hoping that it all works out for you, whichever path you decide to take. Hugs & prayers for you!

  17. I’m so sorry! I’ve been down much of the same road you have (although we were never successful with conceiving) it’s such a hard path to endure. My husband went through a major depression on our journey too. It was so hard for him trying to be there for me and seeing me in so much pain that it (in combination of his testosterone bottomed out). The D word was thrown around by him (which is one thing we always vowed we would never do and that was a major red flag. Our dr said when the testosterone bottoms out it is worse than a woman going through menopause. It lasted for about 2 weeks and then his supplements started kicking in.
    I’m not sure if you’re familiar with our story but we were surprised with an adoption in March from a family friend’s friend who was expecting and looking for someone to adopt her baby. We had 67 days notice. I pray you overcome this hurdle, focus on one another and find your happy place and that you get the little one your heart desires.

    • Thank you for sharing, it’s comforting to know we’re not alone in ANY of this. Yes, I remember your story….such a beautiful journey you have gone through. I pray that we are able to get past this hurdle too. Thanks for your support!!

  18. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I just recently got my numbers down to zero and it can be a really long frustrating road, I know it was for me. I am sorry you are going thru that.

  19. Oh hon. I’m so sorry things have been so rough for you and your hubby. I’m glad you are working through this and that he is on different medication. I hope it will help him come to terms with whatever it is he is working through and hopefully want to try again. I wonder if perhaps you should see someone together to talk this through. He owes you a proper explanation about this because it affects both of you and maybe a counselor will be able to help him open up. Thinking about you and sending prayers ❤

    • Thank you!!! I did recommend that we go to counseling together, but he said he’s not open to it….maybe the medicine will help soften him to that in another few weeks. I agree….I definitely need a proper explanation. Thank you for your love & support!!

  20. So very sorry y’all are going thru these dark times. I know you’ve been more patient than anyone should have to be, but try to remember that the sun will come out again. Praying for you and R.

    • Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that….yes, my patience is growing daily….it’s been a real struggle for me. But maybe that was the lesson I was supposed to learn from all of this. Thanks for your love & prayers. I have to believe something wonderful will come from all of this heartache and struggle.

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