Final post

I wanted to add one last final post to this blog before “disappearing forever”. I just worry that new people that may stumble across my blog may wonder why I don’t keep up with it anymore if they haven’t read certain posts……sadly, this is one of those infertility blogs that has ended in divorce…..so we are no longer on the infertility journey together.

I’ve enjoyed following each and everyone of your blogs, and I’ve made some real connections with a lot of people. I wish you all the best and hope and pray that each and everyone of you gets your happy ending.

It’s so unfair that ANYONE should ever have to experience infertility, but the fact of the matter is that they do….it does happen, and chances are if you’re not experiencing it yourself you know of someone who is….or maybe they’re suffering in silence. Continue reading

New blog

Crossing out Plan A and writing Plan B on a blackboard.After several requests I’ve decided to begin blogging again. I’m really not sure of the direction my new blog will take….but if you’re interested in following my new journey comment below with your email address or send me an email (infertilityblues@gmail.com). I will be keeping my new blog “invite-only”….at least for now.

End of the road

div_2089056bFrom my experiences tough times can either bring you together or break you apart, in terms of relationships. In addition to “normal marital problems” we’ve had some really tough times over the past 2 years including infertility treatments and miscarriages. My husband has now decided that he does not want children and wants out of our marriage. I’m not sure what has changed. I don’t know if the pain of our last miscarriage is just too much, or his feelings about me have changed. I guess I’ll never know because he refuses to open up to me, or anyone for that matter. He also refuses to go to couples counseling, he says we won’t get anything from it….and with that attitude he’s probably right.

Now don’t get me wrong, we have our own issues aside from infertility, but I think this journey was the straw that broke the camels back, or however that stupid saying goes. Continue reading

Extended break

danishstudyInfertile couples are three times more likely to divorce. Pretty crazy statistic huh? Well, I definitely see how that could happen. Infertility has put such a strain on our marriage these past two years…we’ve been through so much with all of the ups & downs and highs & lows. We just need a break from it all.

At this point we’ve decided to take a 1 year hiatus from all things TTC/infertility.
We need to focus on our marriage and getting back to our “happy place”. The fortunate part is that I am only 28 years young, so my biological clock isn’t ticking too loudly just yet. Continue reading

My heart is literally hurting

I had another check-up today, they took more blood (my poor arms) and did another ultrasound. My HCG is finally dropping like it should (it was 513 today), so it looks like I will be able to avoid another methotraxate shot or any type of surgery…..excellent news. Also, my ultrasound was perfect, but when my RE told me we were just about through this and we were going to take a month off then finally get me pregnant again I burst into tears. I didn’t have the heart to mention anything to him today about us quitting, and there’s really no point at this time anyway because I hope and pray that my husband changes his mind. I just said thank you and left his office crying all the way to my car. It literally makes my heart hurt at the thought of not trying again…..I just feel like we are SO CLOSE!!!!!!!!! I have to go back in for more blood work on Thursday.

Continue reading

Overwhelming love & support

I’ve lost count of the number of cards and gifts I’ve received after learning about my ectopic pregnancy, but I’m just so appreciative….thank you so much, they all have meant so much to me! The overwhelming love and support has been so incredible, and I couldn’t be more thankful to have such a supportive network of friends and family.

My college roommate and good friend MK sent me this beautiful rose quartz necklace from Israel. Emotionally, rose quartz is used to balance emotions and bring peace and calm. This calm emotional balance brings stress relief and easing of anxiety. All these things carry energies of forgiveness, tolerance, and compassion to the force, enabling us to see the good in both ourselves and others. I look forward to wearing it, because of it’s meaning, because of how beautiful it is, and because of the person who gave it to me. We’re not that close (distance wise) anymore, but she still remains one of my very best friends…and is always there for me when I need her. Thank you MK! I love you.
MK's Gift Continue reading

When is enough enough?

IMG_8008After months and months of shelling out thousands of dollars, spending countless hours with our RE, undergoing numerous treatments, losing two babies — only to be right back where we started — how do you know when it’s time to give up?

Last night, while lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep my husband told me he wants to stop trying. Continue reading

Ectopic update

This morning I had another follow up appointment with my RE. I had another ultrasound and he said everything was looking good….no cysts and no fluid, both good signs. I also had more blood work done including a CBC (complete blood count), another HCG beta draw, a comprehensive metabolic panel, and AST (SGOT)….not sure what that one is for. After the ultrasound & blood work I went into my RE’s office and we chatted about what comes next.

readytomoveonSo far my HCG levels have been dropping since my methotrexate shot on September 15th, but not at the rate that they generally like to see. For now, since I’m having no pain my RE doesn’t think it’s necessary to administer another shot of methotrexate, but if for some reason my levels start to level off and stop dropping we will have to do another at that point. He said he would call me this afternoon with today’s results and tell me when he needed me to come back in for another blood draw. I’m just so ready for this to be OVER so we can move on…..it’s such a long drawn out process….but I still probably have a few more weeks until my HCG returns to 0….on Monday it was at 1,290. Continue reading

I have been STOLEN FROM!!!

The Almost Mom wrote a wonderful post last week that I really connected with, and I wanted to share it. It’s so unfortunate all that infertility steals from us. Now that we’ve suffered two losses I’m certain the next time we get pregnant it will steal that initial joy from us. I’m certain that we won’t be able to get excited about another pregnancy until we see that it’s in the right place and the right size on an ultrasound. Also, that lonely empty room in our house that will eventually be a nursery just breaks my heart. It should have been decorated MONTHS ago, but instead it stills sits empty, and I just can’t go in there. Like The Almost Mom I feel like for the past two years I’ve just been living in limbo and infertility has stolen my life. Of course I’ve still been living and making memories, but all the while I’ve just been waiting. Infertility has stolen so much from me, and I just pray it’s all over soon…..I just don’t know how much more I can endure.  Continue reading

My first acupuncture session

I had my first acupuncture session today, and I must say I loved it! I really liked the acupuncturist, we vibed really well. I had already filled out a bunch of paperwork pertaining to my medical history prior to arriving, and we went over that first. She asked me lots of questions about infertility and depression. When she learned that we had male factor infertility she said that she could treat my husband too, lol….well I told her to rest assured that wouldn’t happen. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t see my husband going for an acupuncture appointment….he thinks it’s kinda crazy. I told her how technically I was still “pregnant” and was trying to pass the baby now, and told her about the methotrexate.  Continue reading