The saddest story I’ve ever heard

RIP RoyceOne of the YouTube vloggers I follow, Kristy from ConceiveABaby, just suffered a horrible tragedy. She and her husband Royce had been TTC for nearly 5 years. They recently went through their first IVF cycle and were in their 2WW when Royce passed away suddenly in a car accident. Continue reading

Dose #2

ready to get back to normalYesterday I went into the ER (the only place that can administer the drug in my area) for 2 more shots of Methotrexate (the dose is divided into 2 shots), one in each butt cheek. The shots didn’t hurt this time. Maybe I had a more skilled nurse, or maybe I’m just so used to being poked and prodded over these last few weeks it didn’t phase me as much. I even went into work after I was finished this time. I did skip class last night though, in addition to the MTHX I have a cold right now (my 2nd since my first dose of MTHX) and I just felt so worn out. MTHX really does a number on your immune system (since it basically kills tons of cells, even the good ones), plus you’re not allowed to take any vitamins until your HCG returns to 0. When I got home from work I changed into my sweats and got into bed. I fell asleep at 6:30 pm and didn’t wake until 7:00 am this morning. TGIF today for sure. I can’t wait to lay in the bed all weekend. Continue reading

Methotrexate round 2 coming right up

IMG_8160They’ve been monitoring my HCG levels closely over the last few weeks after my first dose of Methotrexate for my ectopic pregnancy on September 15th (I’ve literally had 2-3 blood draw’s per week for the past 9 weeks). My levels have been dropping slowly, but dropping steadily so there wasn’t a problem until now. Well, it seems I’ve hit a plateau. Monday’s HCG level was 255 and today’s level was 224…..so my RE thinks it’s time to go ahead with another round of Methotrexate.

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Maintaining your Marriage after a Miscarriage

I found this blog post today (a guest blog post on In All You Do written by Lindsey Bell). I got a lot from the post, and wanted to share for those of you who might be working through a similar situation. Lindsey gave 5 really great tips (I’ve shared my favorite below) of how to maintain your marriage after a miscarriage…..I know I’m struggling right now, and I think there is a lot of truth to the tips she gave.  Continue reading

My heart is literally hurting

I had another check-up today, they took more blood (my poor arms) and did another ultrasound. My HCG is finally dropping like it should (it was 513 today), so it looks like I will be able to avoid another methotraxate shot or any type of surgery…..excellent news. Also, my ultrasound was perfect, but when my RE told me we were just about through this and we were going to take a month off then finally get me pregnant again I burst into tears. I didn’t have the heart to mention anything to him today about us quitting, and there’s really no point at this time anyway because I hope and pray that my husband changes his mind. I just said thank you and left his office crying all the way to my car. It literally makes my heart hurt at the thought of not trying again…..I just feel like we are SO CLOSE!!!!!!!!! I have to go back in for more blood work on Thursday.

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Overwhelming love & support

I’ve lost count of the number of cards and gifts I’ve received after learning about my ectopic pregnancy, but I’m just so appreciative….thank you so much, they all have meant so much to me! The overwhelming love and support has been so incredible, and I couldn’t be more thankful to have such a supportive network of friends and family.

My college roommate and good friend MK sent me this beautiful rose quartz necklace from Israel. Emotionally, rose quartz is used to balance emotions and bring peace and calm. This calm emotional balance brings stress relief and easing of anxiety. All these things carry energies of forgiveness, tolerance, and compassion to the force, enabling us to see the good in both ourselves and others. I look forward to wearing it, because of it’s meaning, because of how beautiful it is, and because of the person who gave it to me. We’re not that close (distance wise) anymore, but she still remains one of my very best friends…and is always there for me when I need her. Thank you MK! I love you.
MK's Gift Continue reading

When is enough enough?

IMG_8008After months and months of shelling out thousands of dollars, spending countless hours with our RE, undergoing numerous treatments, losing two babies — only to be right back where we started — how do you know when it’s time to give up?

Last night, while lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep my husband told me he wants to stop trying. Continue reading

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

pregnancy&infantlossawarenessmonthIf you’ve never lost a child, experienced a miscarriage or a still birth you might not know that October is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. More specifically, October 15th is a universal day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death. This day is observed with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils….I know I never knew something like this existed until it applied to me.

Did you know that:

  • One in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby
  • The loss of a child is recognized as the most intense cause of grief
  • Parents never “get over” the loss of a child – no matter the age
  • Parents experiencing grief without supportive care can have debilitating consequences such as PTSD, depression and anxiety that could further result in job loss, divorce, difficulties in daily living, or impediments with parenting of living children

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Ectopic update

This morning I had another follow up appointment with my RE. I had another ultrasound and he said everything was looking good….no cysts and no fluid, both good signs. I also had more blood work done including a CBC (complete blood count), another HCG beta draw, a comprehensive metabolic panel, and AST (SGOT)….not sure what that one is for. After the ultrasound & blood work I went into my RE’s office and we chatted about what comes next.

readytomoveonSo far my HCG levels have been dropping since my methotrexate shot on September 15th, but not at the rate that they generally like to see. For now, since I’m having no pain my RE doesn’t think it’s necessary to administer another shot of methotrexate, but if for some reason my levels start to level off and stop dropping we will have to do another at that point. He said he would call me this afternoon with today’s results and tell me when he needed me to come back in for another blood draw. I’m just so ready for this to be OVER so we can move on…..it’s such a long drawn out process….but I still probably have a few more weeks until my HCG returns to 0….on Monday it was at 1,290. Continue reading

I have been STOLEN FROM!!!

The Almost Mom wrote a wonderful post last week that I really connected with, and I wanted to share it. It’s so unfortunate all that infertility steals from us. Now that we’ve suffered two losses I’m certain the next time we get pregnant it will steal that initial joy from us. I’m certain that we won’t be able to get excited about another pregnancy until we see that it’s in the right place and the right size on an ultrasound. Also, that lonely empty room in our house that will eventually be a nursery just breaks my heart. It should have been decorated MONTHS ago, but instead it stills sits empty, and I just can’t go in there. Like The Almost Mom I feel like for the past two years I’ve just been living in limbo and infertility has stolen my life. Of course I’ve still been living and making memories, but all the while I’ve just been waiting. Infertility has stolen so much from me, and I just pray it’s all over soon…..I just don’t know how much more I can endure.  Continue reading