I have been STOLEN FROM!!!

The Almost Mom wrote a wonderful post last week that I really connected with, and I wanted to share it. It’s so unfortunate all that infertility steals from us. Now that we’ve suffered two losses I’m certain the next time we get pregnant it will steal that initial joy from us. I’m certain that we won’t be able to get excited about another pregnancy until we see that it’s in the right place and the right size on an ultrasound. Also, that lonely empty room in our house that will eventually be a nursery just breaks my heart. It should have been decorated MONTHS ago, but instead it stills sits empty, and I just can’t go in there. Like The Almost Mom I feel like for the past two years I’ve just been living in limbo and infertility has stolen my life. Of course I’ve still been living and making memories, but all the while I’ve just been waiting. Infertility has stolen so much from me, and I just pray it’s all over soon…..I just don’t know how much more I can endure.  Continue reading

Grief

recovery-from-miscarriage

Everyone I’ve talked to said I will need several months to recover and heal from our loss….but everything in me just wants to keep pushing forward NOW! Maybe I’m not the “normal”, or maybe the real grief hasn’t hit me yet….but I’m not that sad anymore. I was sad for a few days….REALLY sad, but I don’t feel too bad now. I just hate that I have to wait three whole months before we can try again.  Continue reading

One lovely blog award

onelovelyblogawardThe One Lovely Blog Award is given to bloggers by fellow bloggers. It’s designed to promote up-and-coming blogs, and to highlight those blogs that are thought to be “lovely” by the person nominating them. I was nominated by not 1, but 6 fellow bloggers for this award (wannabemamacoalescedreverieHello my name is TubelessPlan B ChroniclesPlanting Beans, and Awaiting Autumn), and I am truly honored. THANK YOU for the nominations, and taking the time to read my blog and get to know me. Your support and friendship throughout this journey have meant so much to me. Infertility can feel so isolating at times, which is one of the original reasons I started blogging….and I’m so glad I did, because I have been able to connect with so many others going through very similar experiences.

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Best possible outcome

finallysomegoodnewsI had another blood draw this morning, my poor arms are starting to get all bruised up. My levels on Sunday hadn’t come down very much from the previous test, so if today’s blood draw hadn’t come down by at least 376.8 I was going to be sent back to the ER for another shot of Methotrexate….NOT GOOD. Continue reading

My first acupuncture session

I had my first acupuncture session today, and I must say I loved it! I really liked the acupuncturist, we vibed really well. I had already filled out a bunch of paperwork pertaining to my medical history prior to arriving, and we went over that first. She asked me lots of questions about infertility and depression. When she learned that we had male factor infertility she said that she could treat my husband too, lol….well I told her to rest assured that wouldn’t happen. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t see my husband going for an acupuncture appointment….he thinks it’s kinda crazy. I told her how technically I was still “pregnant” and was trying to pass the baby now, and told her about the methotrexate.  Continue reading

4 days post methotrexate

I had an appointment yesterday for more bloodwork and I briefly met with my RE, since he was on vacation while I was going through my ectopic he just wanted to check in with me. He called me last night with the results from my blood test, and seemed pretty concerned. My HCG had gone up to 2,632. Apparently it’s pretty common for the first blood draw to go up, what’s really important is the drop between day 4 & 7. But he was surprised to have seen it go so much higher, so he scheduled another appointment for me Monday morning. So I have to go back to the hospital on Sunday for more bloodwork, then to another appointment Monday where he’ll do another ultrasound. I guess at that point I may have to have another shot of methotrexate….time will tell.

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Different things I’m trying on my break

Since we’re currently on a forced break from TTC because of the methotrexate I’ve decided to try a few different things over the next few months including acupuncture, essential oils, 10,000 steps, packing my lunch, and more “me time”. I look forward to reconnecting with myself and what makes me happy over the next few months. I hope that this break is very helpful to my husband and I as we heal (physically and emotionally) and prepare to TTC again.

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The beginning of the end

IMG_7872-1One week ago I was blissfully pregnant. I was pinning nursery ideas, thinking about weekly bumpdate pictures, purchasing belly butter, and fantasizing about what our baby would look like. I was just ecstatic that our infertility journey was over and I was finally pregnant!! Now I sit in the lobby of the emergency room waiting for my methotrexate shot to rid my body of this pregnancy. Continue reading

Bleak

IMG_7885I had another beta this morning and it barely rose at all from Friday’s test. I don’t know if this means I will miscarry on my own or if it indicates ectopic, but I know it’s not good news. This is definitely not a viable pregnancy at this point. Hoping to have more definitive answers after tomorrow’s ultrasound.

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Still in limbo

27dpiui

This morning I had more bloodwork and another ultrasound. Unfortunately my RE is on vacation Today-Tuesday so I met with another doctor in the practice. My HCG this morning was 1,223….so it’s still going up, but not doubling properly (which isn’t good). Next I had my ultrasound. They didn’t see anything in my uterus or my tubes so they’re still not 100% sure what’s going on. After my ultrasound I met with the doctor. He said at this point we should have seen SOMETHING on the ultrasound, even if it was just a sac, so since we’re not seeing anything it is a huge red flag. He thinks it is a tubal pregnancy or an abnormal pregnancy that needs to be terminated. He said it was completely my decision what to do at this point but I got the impression he wanted me to go ahead and do the shot of methotrexate and get rid of the pregnancy today, but I just couldn’t do it.

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